dirk on the couch

day mode mf | binary star | he/him | avi by @riot4rach

[dirk on the couch @onthemauve]

i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix

[Jason Not Evil @JasonNotEvil]

Me: I know it's early but I finished a gingerbread house today

Her: I usually don't make one until December

Me: Make?

[dirk on the couch @onthemauve]

@oneawkwardmom @mxmclain @dadmann_walking @LifePitts @Parentpains @meantomyself @IHideFromMyKids @AnAppleHat @Tobi_Is_Fab @RiotGrlErin if i wasn’t still in my defiant stage i’d say “ayyy thank you!!”

[One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom]

Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.

[Swim Jeans 👖 @ShortSleeveSuit]

[baggage claim]

VOICE OVER LOUDSPEAKER: the next ones out will be emotional

[Adam @adamgreattweet]

devil on my shoulder: eat a cookie

devil on my other shoulder: eat a whole box of cookies

[Jason, ex Inferis @benedictsred]

Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*

Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.

[Katie D @KatieDeal99]

Nobody:

My daughter: if I had to choose a weapon it would probably be a dagger

[McDad @mcdadstuff]

Me: Do you have everything?
Daughter: Yesssss
Me: You sure?
Daughter: YESSSSS!!!!

*2 minutes down the road

Daughter: I forgot something

[eLeni @eleniZarro]

Bars could cure depression if they gave happy more than an hour at a time

[meghan @deloisivete]

my 4yo: I'm a chocolate monster but I'm also half cookie monster

me: *cancels DNA test*

[Jason, ex Inferis @benedictsred]

A ranch dressing stain on a t-shirt is the midwestern scarlet letter.

[𝐀 𝐌 𝐀 𝐍 𝐃 𝐀 @littlegiinge]

An extra sixty minutes of coffee time today makes this whole time change worth it.

[It’s 𝘿𝙖𝙣𝙖, actually @HourLongSauce]

Don’t think of today as the end of DST, instead it’s the chance to be up at 4am on a Sunday ffs

[McDad @mcdadstuff]

thought a pillow feather was a bug on me, but we’re cool. everything’s cool. i’ll clean up the mess.

[I Hide From My Kids @IHideFromMyKids]

[Studying for his history test]

10: I wish I was born in the 1800s

Me: Why?

10: I’d have less history to learn

[Jason, ex Inferis @benedictsred]

Me, in the backseat of a cop car: Oh! Roll down the window, I want to ask if they have any Grey Poupon.

[eLeni @eleniZarro]

Turned back my clock to the summer of ‘98