paperwash©️

molly

[paperwash©️ @paperwarsh]

Twitter is weird because it allows you to read all day and still get dumber

[paperwash© @PaperWash]

me: [sneezes]

friend: god bless you

me: [narrowing eyes] you don’t have that kind of power

[paperwash©️ @paperwarsh]

don’t let all this chaos in the media distract you from the fact that your car warranty is about to expire

[paperwash©️ @paperwarsh]

secretary of defense: sir now we have murder hornets

President: [squinting] release Mike Tyson

secretary of defense: but sir

President: NOW GOD DAMN IT

[paperwash©️ @paperwarsh]

me: [high during the day] lets go to the mall and McDonald’s and the car wash and the movies and McDonald’s again and then to the bar

me: [high at night time] don’t go outside you’ll get arrested!

[paperwash©️ @paperwarsh]

@Reverend_Scott Did it work

[paperwash©️ @paperwarsh]

list of my favorite swear word alternatives:

-crudmuffins
-stinker doodle
-fudge knuckles
-beef skipper
-jolly wacker
-farfenúggen

[paperwash©️ @paperwarsh]

therapist: studies show a correlation between social media and depression

me: lol nice that’s a good tweet

therapist: no don’t-

me: [already tweeted] give me some more facts

[paperwash©️ @paperwarsh]

in all actuality, I hate shock humor, it’s punctuated and predicated by a moral levity suggested within the viewers cock and dick suck balls lol you thought this was a clean tweet lol it’s called misdirection you idiot lol

[paperwash©️ @paperwarsh]

people in the 1700’s were so lucky, they only got like one piece of mail a month

[paperwash©️ @paperwarsh]

me: this common core stuff is ridiculous how do they expect parents to help with this

wife: it’s second grade addition

me: [flips table over] ITS TOO HARD SHARON

[paperwash©️ @paperwarsh]

If you think you’re bad at giving advice just think of the 1st person to say “break a leg!” to their friend going on stage

[paperwash©️ @paperwarsh]

when you realize The Masked Singer is just adult Yo Gabba Gabba

[paperwash©️ @paperwarsh]

friend: so you’ve played 800 hours of diablo 3? That’s crazy, so what’s the main plot?

me: [played the entire campaign with every character] I have no idea

[paperwash©️ @paperwarsh]

@Reverend_Scott He should do the honorable thing and stab him in self the stomach with a samauri sword

[paperwash©️ @paperwarsh]

@dave_cactus

[paperwash©️ @paperwarsh]

Twitter is like an RPG but instead of leveling up your character with experience points you just become a worse person

[paperwash©️ @paperwarsh]

@Twitter

[paperwash©️ @paperwarsh]

@dave_cactus I hope it mushrooms out all over the interwebs