Mike Phirman

Musician • Comedian • Conscientious Object • he/him

IG: @mphirm

[Mike Phirman @phirm]

¡Pollo Mono Pato!
🐓 🐒 🦆 🇲🇽 🇪🇸
https://t.co/RP40q4PY6T

[Mike Phirman @phirm]

Sometimes when God closes a door, He opens it again. Because that’s like the whole point of doors.

[Mike Phirman @phirm]

@arothman Thank you, Andrew! It's nice to hear that it's nice to hear! #FINGERNAILS!!

[Mike Phirman @phirm]

@AndyKindler He would’ve been on board if things were presented in hilarious guy-themed puns. “By following the CDC’s covid GUYlines, including wearing your MANsk and maintaining social HIStancing, we can end this MANdemic lmao”

[Mike Phirman @phirm]

@reportbywilson “Sorry, ma’am, park’s closed. The moose out front shoulda told ya.”

[Ethan Mollick @emollick]

Tom Lehrer has put all his songs online (including lyrics & sheet music), and given away all rights to them. The site will only be up for a limited time. This is a very niche tweet that will make a small segment of people very happy. https://t.co/sowetybPhT

[Mike Phirman @phirm]

My gut response is train b/c it’s cozy and you can walk around. But once teleporting has entered the call, I’d say turning into an eagle. However! If, once I turn into an eagle, I have to carry my clothes & wallet & phone, then that’s less soar and more schlep. So… train.

[Myq (Parenthetical) Kaplan @myqkaplan]

morning!

i'm driving up to new england today to do some shows

how do you feel about travel?

do you prefer driving or flying?

or training or boating or rocketing or teleporting?

or do you like resting at home?

what's your fave place to go or be?

where do you love?

morning!

[Mike Phirman @phirm]

@tomhensleyy Mealhead! (Cousin of Metalhead)

[Mike Phirman @phirm]

@BenBlacker @bnacker Bath & Body Works sent me one for Holiday Salve-ings

[Mike Phirman @phirm]

@MrFasthorse Hey! Even I’M not in my top 0.5%! I thank you once again for your devoted Alexanage 🙏🏼

[Mike Phirman @phirm]

@jeffullrich We are still receiving your signal •:)) ) ) ) )

[Mike Phirman @phirm]

@ZackBornstein HAHAHAHAHA!

[Mike Phirman @phirm]

@mileskahn You’re awesome, Miles. Thank you!

[Mike Phirman @phirm]

@americanamemes You are phenomenally funny

[Mike Phirman @phirm]

@bnacker I had 17,560 and all I could get was an eraser OR a Tootsie Roll.

[Mike Phirman @phirm]

@KimiSchmitz That’s the way to play it. You left it all on the feed!

[Mike Phirman @phirm]

Perhaps you have a drafts folder in your Twitter app of choice full of jokes or ideas that you never posted? Now may be the time to do a quick comb-through before they become kipple.

[Mike Phirman @phirm]

IN CASE THIS IS IT: Thanks for all the laughs Twitter friends. I do love you guys. If you’d like to see me continue to barely post, I’m @mphirm on IG. See you at the next one! ❤️

[Mike Phirman @phirm]

@tammygolden @JasonWScott It really would be a boring podcast, but hey, you were already bored before putting it on—you’re no worse off. Maybe we do a one-off Instagram live where we tell our anosmia stories, and then take questions, all of which are answered with, “Nope, we can’t smell that either.”

[Mike Phirman @phirm]

@tammygolden @JasonWScott I concur with Tammy that hot sauce is typically just an acid-like. I’ll add it sometimes but mostly just for the fun, pseudo-danger of it (like a horror movie for my mouth).

[Mike Phirman @phirm]

A Taco Tuesday is not a Sandwich Tuesday.