grace

A real solid bitch out Chicaaago.

[grace @princess_pnut]

Just found I forgot to wear underwear today. See???

[Good Kyle @KyleMcDowell86]

I could tell by the look on his face I put his business card in the ziplock bag I use for a wallet that I was going to get the job

[grace @princess_pnut]

@princess_pnut I can't even be bothered to keep track if I'm wearing it or not

[grace @princess_pnut]

Underwear for me is like meh, I could take it or leave it.

[Brent @Brentweets]

Once you go black Halloween whopper you never go back Halloween whopper

[JasonLastname @JasonLastname]

Some days I felt like changing my name to Pepsi just so waiters would ask if I was ok.

[Brent @Brentweets]

Halloween was cool until I learned I could just buy candy for myself and not have to talk to adults to get it.

[mike ginn @shutupmikeginn]

imagine if a mermaid was reversed, like the top half was a fish and the bottom half is whatever women look like under their pants

[grace @princess_pnut]

That thing where you force yourself to put down your book because you don't want to finish it just yet.

[Dead Pan Nick @Contwixt]

What I love most about getting older is jerking my head back like I've seen a snake to read something someone has thrown in front of my face

[grace @princess_pnut]

Bed Bath & Beyoncé™

[Brent @Brentweets]

Tried to give a homeless man some Little Caeser's and he said he was homeless not tasteless

[JasonLastname @JasonLastname]

[slips funeral director a 20] Bury him crisscross applesauce.

[grace @princess_pnut]

Move out of the way, kids. Momma needs her morning dump.

[grace @princess_pnut]

Just cooked an omelet and flipped it in the air like a real live chef so where do I collect my prize money?

[Snorklhuahua @weinerdog4life]

"I'd like to return this"

"Sir that is just a turtle with Roomba written on it"

[Cool Eric @OBiiieeee]

i am banned from every bar in the city after i was caught drinking a beer through a straw

[grace @princess_pnut]

The verb "video tape" is alive and well in 2015, years after video tapes have become obsolete.