Reczit

I just brushed my teeth, everything's gonna be FINE now

[Reczit @reczit]

Game over. I lost. Now fuck off.

- me, 23 seconds after meeting anyone.

[God @TheTweetOfGod]

The virus affecting Iran this month is still not as bad as the one that's been affecting it since 1979.

[Cabo 🍳🇺🇸 @Shot_Of_Cabo]

We don't need to socialize in person that's why we have this fuckin thing.

[Just Bill @WilliamAder]

I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.

[Kattamissprime @holycrapitsakat]

I'm Canadian. Everyone knows we only have 4 professions

Hockey player
Mountie
Lumberjack and
Maple syrup maker

[rob elliott @rockymomax]

ME: I'm a billionaire
HER: nice!
ME: actually a millionaire
HER: still good
ME: thousandaire
HER: ok
ME: hundredaire
HER: uh
ME: my car has a plastic bag for a window

[Rock @TheMichaelRock]

Me: before cell phones, we would get a page and have to find a payphone.

9yo: get a what and find a what?

[The Sassiest Semite @LittleMissLizz]

Pulling on the push door since 1986.

[Oaks @OakHill_]

I promise to always be wrong.

In sickness and in health.

[Reczit @reczit]

John Lennon - Oh My Love
https://t.co/Xb9ELQsuXo
#WeekendMelodies

[Reczit @reczit]

@9262Laura Thank you, Laura. You're wonderful

[AmericanⒼⓔⓝⓣ @AmericanGent69]

Current Sex Life Status: My left hand just fell asleep.

[Guy Incognito (itinerant shitposter) @ShutUpThatsWho]

FIRST PERSON TO KISS SOMEONE: imma eat their breath

[Dan @DirstDiggler]

Guys don't get butterflies. We just get the stupids.

[NotSoMadHatter @NotZaphod]

Her: You could at least try to make yourself presentable!

Me: I lost that fight to genetics, years ago.

[Barry BeNiceButNotSicklyNice @barryjohnharper]

Welcome to your 40s. Bodyparts hurt when you use them how you're supposed to now.