Bob Noxious

Totally fucking polite! Ladies, feel free to DM me for some sexy time

[Bob Noxious @Robert_Noxious]

Jesus turned water into wine but I just turned a case of beer into my girlfriend's piss soaked bed. Your move Jesus

[CASH BURP @cashburp]

If you Googled "Who is Cassius Clay?" right before posting a Muhammad Ali quote, you should no longer do internet things again.

[Kent Graham @KentWGraham]

Now it’s too hot to take the Christmas lights down.

[Red Velvet Sin @DontTouchMyWine]

It takes more strength to let go than to hang on.

[Red Velvet Sin @DontTouchMyWine]

Redheads don't consider the Seven Deadly Sins as guidelines. We use them as a checklist.

[Red Velvet Sin @DontTouchMyWine]

Instagram is switching to a new algorithm tomorrow. I hope it comes with an associated "Who Gives a Fuck" filter.

[Svenn Amish @amishschool]

I was walking along the beach and found a message in a bottle but there was no way I was picking it up without Caller ID.

[Svenn Amish @amishschool]

I could never hate someone for their political views when I can hate them for their eyebrows or the way they chew.

[Mucky Sod🇺🇸☮ 💙 @headway10]

Even our orgasms can often be held hostage by the speed of our wifi connections...

[toastymoe™ @toastymoe]

Obligatory 69% battery life tweet

[Just J @junejuly12]

I miss the 80s. Gleefully ripping the shoulder pads out of new clothing was very therapeutic.

[Bö Jänke: Hönkÿ @Bob_Janke]

The official findings say Prince died of a drug overdose and not a shark attack like everyone originally thought.

[toastymoe™ @toastymoe]

My life would have to have a plot before a plot twist could be added.

[𝓶♡ @Love_bug1016]

Nice try good judgement, but I'm on drink number I think I love you.

[stACED @girl_a_whirl]

Wait a minute...

NASA can print out its' tools on a 3D printer?

Guys...I've changed my mind! Send me ALL the dic pics!

[GLK @njlitigator]

Sorry I was under zealous.

[toastymoe™ @toastymoe]

Doesn't use the term spank bank, prefers Memory Mastubation Log, because it sounds classier when doing the 5 knuckle shuffle on the toilet

[Barroom Hero 🦬 @UnIxphysco]

Your selfies are more funny than your tweets