Audrey Murphy

If something's bound to happen, it will happen.. Right time, right person, and for the best reason.

[Audrey Murphy @skamarya]

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?

[Audrey Murphy @skamarya]

Everything's funnier when you're supposed to be quiet

[Donna Carpenter @kigel76]

Bitch please, your vagina has more users than Facebook.

[Amanda Martinez @5iFseldimirova]

What the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? 45 pounds.

[Audrey Murphy @skamarya]

My wife left me because of my obsession with Linkin Park. But in the end, it doesn't even matter.

[Audrey Murphy @skamarya]

There's a good chance this chocolate cake will need rape counseling after I'm done.

[Audrey Murphy @skamarya]

Broke people always tryna make plans

[William Sotelo @Britenkov731p]

I have a date tonight...with my bed. We're totally gonna sleep together

[Audrey Murphy @skamarya]

If someone hid something on page 2 of google searches, no one would ever find it.

[Audrey Murphy @skamarya]

That awkward moment when you're trying to explain how a song goes but you really don't want to sing it

[Rebecca Doyle @kalanta95]

That awkward moment when someone asks "what's wrong" and they're the problem.

[Stephanie Martinez @BrodovNice]

Awkward eye contact with people in cars next to you at red lights.

[Audrey Murphy @skamarya]

Saying "Thats crazy" when you haven't been paying attention to what someone's saying.

[Audrey Murphy @skamarya]

Your parents may not be the most perfect one. But they are the most perfect gift God ever given you.

[Audrey Murphy @skamarya]

This is how my week goes: Mooooooooooooonday Tuuuuuuuuuuuuesday Weeeeeeeeeeednesday Thuuuuuuuuuuursday FridaySaturdaySunday.

[Cindy Underwood @kamyshnyyr]

Practicing your signature over and over again, just incase you become famous.

[Cherilyn Garcia @5cNbogoboyazova]

Dear Google: Please stop being like my wife. Kindly let me complete my sentence before you start to give me suggestions.

[Wen Kennedy @marigett1]

Before u say something... stop & think how u would feel if someone said it to u.

[Audrey Murphy @skamarya]

There's a good chance you don't like me. However, there's even a better chance that I don't give a fuck.

[Audrey Murphy @skamarya]

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it is called golf.