Stephanie Martinez

If someone wants to be a part of your life, they will be there. Don't bother saving a spot for someone who won't make an effort to stay.

[Stephanie Martinez @BrodovNice]

Why are children obese? Probably because burgers are $.99 and salads are $4.99.

[Stephanie Martinez @BrodovNice]

I don't think I could ever stab someone. I mean, let's be honest. I can barely get the straw through the Capri Sun.

[Ashley Barrera @fedosya_nice]

When you start to hate someone, everything they do begins to annoy you .. them : "*Cough*" you: "OOOOHHH MY GOOOOOODDDDDDD

[Mary Beard @InosovT]

Understand the difference between what you're getting... and what you deserve.

[Stephanie Martinez @BrodovNice]

ME: How about a quickie? *pulls pants down*

[Stephanie Martinez @BrodovNice]

Why test on animals if we have pedophiles in prison

[Beatrice Gosha @vtanilya]

"You actually have friends...?" "Yeah bro, all 10 seasons on DVD!"

[Linda Woolf @HGurtyakina94]

Ignorance is bliss... unless you have a wife who keeps making you aware of it.

[Stephanie Martinez @BrodovNice]

Boy: bitch! Girl: Ha, i've been called worse. Boy: Like? Girl: Your girlfriend.

[Bonnie Cantrell @mchemerkin]

Twitter looks boring on the outside, but once you start using it, it's like f*cking Narnia.

[Kimberly Bradshaw @simonkov74]

He who laughs last, didn't get it.

[Stephanie Martinez @BrodovNice]

The boss said if my work doesn't improve he'll fire me. He can't because I don't do anything!

[Sally Bowen @93Vseslava]

Black People Pray when they bout to Whoop somebodys Ass! "Lawd gimme strength before I Beat this Bitch ASS! Amen"

[June Patton @Gasova78]

Fat guy : What are you looking at? Me: The reason double doors were invented.

[Kathleen Haugland @kurza91]

I am on a 30-day diet. So far I have lost 10 days.

[Stephanie Martinez @BrodovNice]

No matter how bad you think your day is going remember that there are people out there with face tattoos.

[Stephanie Martinez @BrodovNice]

If at first you don't succeed, look in the trash for the instructions.

[Stephanie Martinez @BrodovNice]

Create your own Bermuda Triangle! Just surround yourself with a wife & two kids, then watch all your hopes & dreams mysteriously disappear!

[Stephanie Martinez @BrodovNice]

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

[Michele Hobbs @GorgoniySuper]

When I've already said what? three times and still have no idea what the person said, so I just agree.