smerobin

I'm not sure how I got here but I'm pretty sure I carried a watermelon.

[smerobin @smerobin]

My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.

[Natalie Would @_NatalieWould]

I can already tell I'm going to be a high maintenance ghost

[KoKeni Snap'sSquatch @KoKeniSaskqatch]

Oh, you're a steward? Name 5 stews?

[smerobin @smerobin]

The fun thing about getting your bloating under control is getting to admit that it's fat

[katie @katefeetie]

[someone on twitter trying to think of the oldest age possible] 40

[Not Today Eric @NotTodayEric]

Facebook: your family is here.
Instagram: your friends are here.
Twitter: there is a cow here.

[Natalie Would @_NatalieWould]

*gets into an existential debate with CAPTCHA*

[Sweet Momissa @sweetmomissa]

I’m sorry that you suck… have you tried not sucking?

~me as a therapist

[meghan @deloisivete]

I got the printer working

-me, flirting

[smerobin @smerobin]

The fun thing about getting your bloating under control is getting to admit that it's fat

[Jason, ex Inferis @benedictsred]

If you ask the Jehovah’s Witness to come in and live with you they can’t say no

[Ⓜ️isterD @MisterD78UK]

Me in my 20's: "let's find a solution"
Me in my 40's: "fuck it, be the problem"

[DaddyJew @DaddyJew]

made it through April without seeing a single “it’s gonna be May” meme. the world is healing

[octopus/caveman @octopuscaveman]

I talk to kids about 24 hour Walmart the way old people used to tell me things like “when I was a kid this was all orange groves”

[Boyd's Backyard™ @TheBoydP]

Ooga-chaka, ooga-ooga Ooga-chaka, ooga-ooga Ooga-chaka, ooga-ooga

The world could really use a dancing baby right now…

[Bob Golen @BobGolen]

"Doc, can I administer my own anesthesia?"

"Knock yourself out."

[Stefan Urquelle @OfficeofSteve]

It would be more convenient if public bathrooms had doorbells

[Bob Golen @BobGolen]

Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.

[meghan @deloisivete]

Standing desk usage so far:

time sitting: 90%
time standing: 5%
time accidentally hitting the button that makes it go up and down: 142%

[KoKeni Snap'sSquatch @KoKeniSaskqatch]

Why is it that dudes say the grossest shit but I drop one "Let's make like a tampon and get out of this bloody hole" at the end of the shift and they're all over here shaking their heads and telling me I went too far?

[Ghostface Kryllah @kryzazzy]

When I was a kid I really wanted to be an adult, but now that I’m adult I really just want to be a house cat