Third Strike

[Tony P. @Tbone7219]

Just saw a dude sitting at the bar by himself not looking at a phone .... Hope he's ok.

[Stephen_With_A_Ph @with_a_ph23]

My reaction to the Super Tuesday results:

[Horatio Quartzjixler @Quartzjixler]

Annual physical was yesterday. Doc said not only is my blood pressure good but also I "have the asshole of a man 1/3 my age."

[Third Strike @StrikeTheThird]

If you whine that you're bored, I swear I will beat the shit out of you with a fucking agenda.

[Rock @TheMichaelRock]

HR: How can we boost morale around here?

*everyone raises their hand*

HR: Without giving you money.

*everyone slowly lowers their hand*

[Princess Buttercup @GoldenSpirals]

I take solace in the fact that my phone may die many times before I do.

[Sick & Tweeted @YourDailyGroan]

Excuse me officer with the body camera, can you arrest me on my good side?

[Third Strike @StrikeTheThird]

I already take Adderall & my doctor just prescribed steroids so I guess I'll sleep in a week or so.

[James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn @XplodingUnicorn]

How to get rid of glitter in your house:

1) Move.

[Ryan @Noodlemop]

Dad: The definition of insanity is doing the same thing but expecting different results

Me: I know, thats the 5th time youve told me.

[シ Ed Gex @EdDJGex]

I ordered the Surf and Turf but was surprised when they just served me water and grass

[5oclockeveryday @5oclockeveryday]

I don't think I have a freak flag. I might. Check the linen closet. Or the laundry room. I don't think so though.

[tim donakowski @timdonakowski]

[Job interview]

Me: I haven't killed a lion.

[Rock⚡️God @redpawn3]

Person: You're tweets aren't that funny to me.
Me: I know, that's why I keep hoping I get new followers.

[Sassy Cupcake @SassyTexasGal]

Not now, depression. It's anxiety's turn.

[Tuibt @Tuibt]

When dropping your smartphone time slows down, so you can get to see it smash in slow motion..

[Tuibt @Tuibt]

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First rule of Twitter don't tell your friends or relatives..
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