Zach Crowley

[Chris Willman @ChrisWillman]

Bob Dylan in the NYT today, in a piece where artists in their 80s were asked to describe the best and worst parts of being that age, and whether they had advice for the president on his reaching the milestone. (Dylan apparently passed on the final question, not surprisingly.)

[julia @juumelo_]

yes babe you provided sooo much shareholder value today now take off your shirt

[Will Sennett @Senn_Spud]

AOC: Im President because youve run my social media so well

Me southern accent: not a problem mam

AOC: the idea to put stuff in brackets to show that youre doing it. Its genius

Me: god is a genius mam

AOC steps close: if I was in brackets what would you do to me

Me: no mam

[sexczema @dialectits]

"cravings are your body's way of communicating its needs:)" what essential nutrient am i missing that can apparently only be found in a red starburst

[huntigula @huntigula]

iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep

*next morning*

iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off

[Ernest Strawfield @FKAGEORGEY]

I wear a condom at all times to protect my beautiful penis from the world

[🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿🌋🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿 @hum_dunkin]

(trying to say "there's plenty fish in the sea" but forgetting the phrase) there's animals all over the place

[𝙲𝚑𝚒𝚌𝚘𝚛𝚢 @steppedenizen]

Pink and Green New Orleans appreciation will continue until further notice

[Mark @AgingRanchHand]

*little kid in horror movie reveals his morbid crayon drawings of dead bodies*

Me: that's awesome man. Keep at it. Keep working on these things

[𐌁𐌉Ᏽ 𐌕𐌉𐌌𐌉 @OrevaZSN]

YouTubers be like “wake up at 4am and run, that’s alpha!” No, it’s not. Look at apex predators; they’re all lazy. Bears hibernate, lions sleep all day. You know who wakes up at 4am and runs? Squirrels.

[frank zeppo @NoahPasternak]

Hey Yoda, it's Qui Gon. Just bought a child, can he come work for us. Don't say no

[Dr. R. J. Vein @VeinRichard]

sour your blade with lemon oil in order to deal puckering blows

[carter hambley @carterhambley]

at my wedding i want to be on an atv the whole time even the parts where I shouldn’t be

[carl 🥦 @NightlifeMingus]

Odysseus: “Achilles! I see you, once honored as a god among the Argives, now rule over the dead — so grieve no more, great Achilles.”

Achilles (played by Tim Robinson): FUUUUCK this fucking SUCKS ASS, OH my GOD, dude, I fucking HHHHHATE being dead! Being dead FUCKing SUUUUUUUCKS

[Emo Philips @EmoPhilips]

Dear Flight Attendants,
No eggnog? Just say so.
NO NEED FOR THAT LOOK

[dior ✞ @deeore5]

"listen to your body"

my body: go get a cinnamon roll the size of a tire

[Classical Studies Memes @CSMFHT]

Latin has no exact word for 'yes' but some phrases give the same effect, like 'ita vero'. One of my students translated it as 'so true' today and I can't stop imagining all the Romans now saying "so true bestie" all the time

[jon drake @DrakeGatsby]

Overheard somebody being described as “like a himbo but not really that handsome.” Buddy that’s just a dumb guy