Courtney Zelazny

Chicago standup comic and podcaster and also an evildoer.

[Courtney Zelazny @zelazny_c]

Probably the time someone accused multiple Spanish teachers of being in a satanic cult. https://t.co/FnmSOXCZnq

[Katie Notopoulos @katienotopoulos]

What was “the incident” in your high school?

[daniel @dandaIorian]

fell to my knees and started weeping he is so beautiful

[lewis @Lewiswbt1]

I've always vaguely seen "April May June July" as a kind of "7 ate 9" thing, although everything's a bit more up in the air since I don't know what "to June" means and it's not certain it'll happen anyway

[RedNoob5050 @RedNoob5050]

i have this image i hold dear to my heart for the past 6 years and every time i see it it always gets me to laugh until i vomit without fail so im putting it here so you can witness the glory of spewing glitter at joann fabric and crafts stores

[Jasmine @bustanutkeaton]

My daughter described her foot falling asleep as “there is seltzer in my feet”

[Eric Lécuyer @eric_lecuyer_]

Photo rare de la livraison d'un bébé

[chase @_chase_____]

my bf is from boston and occasionally he’ll do something that feels vaguely british. he refers to his dresser as his “bureau” and it’s like ok sherlock holmes ?? what do u keep in there? cold cases from the 1800s? ur velvet smoking jacket? an emerald tie-pin from queen victoria?

[Sir Stevo Timothy @SirStevoTimothy]

An absolute classic 🤣🤣

[jen ramos-eisen @jenramose]

NEWS: the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders have unionized and the Cowboys have agreed to recognize the union

[Dr Iain Overton @iainoverton]

Just overheard a tiny little girl on the street saying the weather is getting “puddlier and puddlier” and that’s the new word for this year.

[may olvera @simplagoon]

Land acknowledgment at the Spirit Halloween but for the store that was there before

[Courtney Zelazny @zelazny_c]

This but my birthday is January 6

[erin chack @ErinChack]

My date of birth feels like a celebrity to me. Whenever I see it written somewhere random, like on a movie poster or a milk carton, I'm like omg there she is! Ugh, she looks great :)

[may olvera @simplagoon]

Getting a fake ID making me younger so i qualify for the New York City Ballet $30 for 30 program

[lauren @olquartertank]

earlier i passed a guy carrying domino's pizza and bites with his (4ish?) daughter and he was saying, "now the best thing about the WALK, is we can eat these and no one KNOWS. it's our secret snack. you gotta learn this stuff EARLY; now you GET it"

[teen vampire, aged 40 @witchesflight]

Reminder to parents that u may think dressing ur tiny baby as a pumpkin for Halloween is predictable or whatever… I promise it is not and that nothing is cuter than a pumpkin baby

[eleni @ele__giac]

We went to see ballet today and the girl next to us brought a 24-piece ferrero rocher box and unwrapped each piece before the performance started and ate all of them before the first interval. She made absolutely no noise. Pure class. I hope you had a wonderful time, diva.

[Pope Crave @ClubConcrave]

Pope Leo declared free of cancer, says Vatican

[Amy8829 @amyalby2904]

The perfect Vinted listing doesn’t exi…

[fallon iverson @daFalligator]

:-)

[cuckold jones @cuckcat]

can i come over and circle you like a shark

[cad @cadhalash]

as someone who likes simple boring things, the phrase 'minimalism was made up by big small to sell you more less' has really done a number on me. im haunted by it every day