Margret Allison

A hater is someone who wishes they could be you. Thank them for admiring you and move on.

[Donna Payne @butyrskikhdari1]

"It means 'to be happy'."

[Margret Allison @2016Telyuk]

My mind was blown when I realized "OK" is a sideways person.

[Kimberley Rose @ichernizov]

"You actually have friends...?" "Yeah bro, all 10 seasons on DVD!"

[Margret Allison @2016Telyuk]

Stop asking me who Im texting, Mom. Im tweeting. Texting requires friends.

[Beverly Daub @avirypwin]

My mom thinks LOL stands for "lots of love" She just texted me "Your grandmother just died. LOL."

[Margret Allison @2016Telyuk]

Whenever my wife sings I have to go outside. Not to get away from her, but to prove to my neighbors I'm not beating her.

[Margret Allison @2016Telyuk]

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

[Terri Reichard @bredikhinpolik1]

I opened up a bottle of coke and it said, "Sorry, you didn't win". I didn't even know I was playing, yet I was still disappointed.

[Margret Allison @2016Telyuk]

Today I broke my personal record of consecutive days alive!

[Jung Kellum @AysedoraMr]

When I've already said what? three times and still have no idea what the person said, so I just agree.

[Charlene Dotson @tsidyakova]

Everyone has one friend that they secretly hate.

[Margret Allison @2016Telyuk]

I'm a lazy texter, unless you're cute, or I like you.

[Michele Gose @sasnozmono]

An update that requires me to restart my laptop is an update that is never getting installed.

[Lovella Barrera @savelov75]

On the highest throne in the world, we still sit only on our own bottom.

[Margret Allison @2016Telyuk]

I hate when I'm singing a song and someone joins in... I'm like "Bitch, this isn't high school musical"

[Rebecca Brantley @otrashevskiyar1]

That awkward moment when youve already said what? three times and still have no idea what the person said, so you just agree.

[Margret Allison @2016Telyuk]

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.

[Adrian Hernandez @naumushkina]

It would help if they taught English majors how to center the cheese on a McDonald's cheeseburger.

[Jennifer Green @vasimaa1]

I'm not late boss, I just took my coffee break before coming in.

[Margret Allison @2016Telyuk]

I was on the road to nowhere. And I arrived.