Anyone But Me

Validate me, strangers.

[bubble girl @JessObsess]

If I had a boat I’d name it Deez Knots.

[Chad Read @squirrel74wkgn]

[leaning over bathroom sink]

Me: *clips fingernail*

Fingernail: *lands in Italy*

[Anyone But Me @AnyoneButMeToo]

Athleticism level: just sprained my wrist trying to kill a mosquito.

[Anyone But Me @AnyoneButMeToo]

Pajamas oh na na
Half of my heart is in pajamas oh na na

[Boog @bewgtweets]

You can literally name your kid Clyde and there’s nothing anyone can do about it.

[Anyone But Me @AnyoneButMeToo]

I just think it's really funny how people eating ramen on tv can sit upright

[🇺🇸Frank Whítehouse 🇺🇸 @WheelTod]

My wife just brought home a book of baby names. Or — as I call it — a book of names.

[m@thew @TweetPotato314]

[Argument at family dinner]

Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.

Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They're too busy yelling to notice.

[bobby @bobby]

this is a thread for sharing pics of pizza that you are eating. for the rest of time it will be a safe space for posting pizza pics. roasting the pizzas will be strictly prohibited. only permissible replies will be "great pie" and "that's a great pie."

[mustard clown @markydoodoo]

broken sledgehammers, dull saw blades, and a shotgun lay strewn around the room. the dust slowly clears. i am on the floor, sobbing in front of a still fully sealed pistachio. hands trembling, i reach one last time for the gun. one round left. all i’ll need. you win, pistachio.

[Anyone But Me @AnyoneButMeToo]

@LnzHllnd 🤣

[Anyone But Me @AnyoneButMeToo]

Thought I was PMSing but really just had to fart

[Anyone But Me @AnyoneButMeToo]

How does a northerner with oral thrush show his patriotism?

"O Candida."

[Anyone But Me @AnyoneButMeToo]

Thought being on shift with all guys would be awesome until they all got man-colds at once.

[Bison @FunnyBison]

*gives up being Catholic for Lent*

God: damn it... they've found the loophole

[Steven W Skinner @SkinnerSteven]

We should have saved the word 'splurge' for something grosser

[your bff alex @psybermonkey]

Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.

Her: why does it say "do not resuscitate"

[Ally @TragicAllyHere]

My four year old is watching Toy Story for the first time ever and he just whispered to himself, “Alive toys... I knew it.”