Crystal 🍁🇨🇦🍁

[Clare @Clarabell045788]

My husband and i have a secret to making our marriage last. Twice a week we go to a nice restaurant,drink a little wine,eat nice food, and enjoy a good conversation. He goes on Tuesdays and I go Friday.

[Bob Golen @BobGolen]

At the liquor store:

"Sir, do you need help?"

"Yes, but it's easier to just come here."

[Kristen @Kica333]

Dear recipe websites, I don’t need a three page story about how you created it. Just give me the recipe.

[Kristen @Kica333]

Sorry I can’t go out tonight I have to go home from work and do nothing.

[Case @Cactuscali19912]

So we all agree that Jan 2nd-5th is still 2024 right? Monday is the new year.

[The Real Rodney Lacroix @RealRodLacroix]

It was called a “sense of humor,” and almost everyone had one and most times people would laugh when you said something funny instead of being angry and defensive.

[Dx: Moonstruck @moonstruckinnyc]

I am “any text received after 9pm will be answered at 4:51am” years old

[Kristen @Kica333]

I’m officially at the age where I enjoy when people cancel plans.

[Jarhead @Jarhead44]

I'm only drinking a lot of beer tonight because I need the room in the fridge.

[Papa Woof und Krampus und Bleaken @woofknight]

Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

[McDad @mcdadstuff]

Some people went to fun Halloween parties this weekend. I just realized I’ve been looking at slip-on shoe options for the last couple hours

[redyellowgreendance 💃🏻 @RYGdance]

You know what’s fun is when you’re getting unsolicited “advice” from your parents who are in their car on speakerphone, and then their friends Steve and Cathy chime in from the back seat

[Kristen @Kica333]

Anyone else ever think about the stuff you did when you were younger and wonder how you’re still alive?

[The Real Rodney Lacroix @RealRodLacroix]

FYI telling your wife she seems grumpy does not help the situation.

[Destry @DestryBrod]

Being nice is still the coolest fucking thing you can do.

[Sunshine Jarboly @SunshineJarboly]

one time my dad brought home an owl & when he showed it to us he said, “nobody outside this house needs to know about this.”

[SpacedMom @copymama]

So unfortunately my Mom membership was revoked because they found out I’ve never arranged to have my family’s picture taken in a field of wheat or wildflowers.

[Dadman Standing @dadmann_walking]

when I was 17 I was driving with my step dad in the car. I was excited to have him listen to a couple of songs I loved. He shook his head and asked why I listened to dumb songs like that. from there on out I stopped sharing things that I loved with him.

EVERYTHING you say to your kids matters more than you think.

[Sarcastic Mommy @sarcasticmommy4]

Being a parent is saying, “Life will be so much easier once this stage is over!” only for that stage to be followed up with an even more annoying stage.

Forever.

[Sarcastic Mommy @sarcasticmommy4]

Meal planning? That would never work.

I have teens and they already ate this week's worth of groceries that I brought home yesterday.