HellJoy: How to Survive Parenting

Rapidly-aging suburban dad. Love my kids and mostly like yours. No one really knows anything and I may know less. Published by @FatherlyHQ and @Red_Tricycle

[HellJoy: How to Survive Parenting @Hell_Joy]

25 Irrefutable facts about parenting: https://t.co/QSMbQi5nqR
Including: the struggles of getting out of the house, what happens when your kids start repeating your opinions, Disney movies, pinatas, farts, and why kids are so bad at whispering.

[SpacedMom @copymama]

A restaurant called Upper Crusts that just serves elegantly prepared versions of the cut off crusts from kids’ sandwiches.

[The Dad @thedad]

Me: Thanks for watching the kids Mom. Please don't feed them sugar.

Grandma: I won't!

[4 seconds after I leave]

[HellJoy: How to Survive Parenting @Hell_Joy]

One of the worst parts about parenting is spending $130 on shoes and knowing they’ll be too small by the time you get to the parking lot.

[HellJoy: How to Survive Parenting @Hell_Joy]

There are two things and two things only that have a 100% approval rating with everyone aged 1–100: Disney movies and farts.

[bananafanafofisa @lisaxy424]

I just need to find a guy who can fix literally everything in my house for like $7.

[The Real American Dadass @R_A_Dadass]

We get it. You love your kids and being a parent is super awesome! But, sometimes it’s really hard too, and you know what, it’s ok to admit that.

[HellJoy: How to Survive Parenting @Hell_Joy]

My 4yr old just yelled, "victory is mine!" while sitting on the toilet and I connect with that on so many levels.

[The Real American Dadass @R_A_Dadass]

Whomever dubbed the three-toed sloth the slowest mammal in the world, obviously hasn't met my five-toed child.

[Mommy Cusses @mommy_cusses]

1st kid: No TV until you're 2.
2nd kid: [shoving a screen inside my uterus]

[HellJoy: How to Survive Parenting @Hell_Joy]

I wish politicians took their promises half as seriously as my kids take pinkie promises.

[HellJoy: How to Survive Parenting @Hell_Joy]

It’s not to the level of Israel and Palestine or anything, but getting my kids to agree on a movie is pretty close.

[Unremarkable Files @ThatEvansLady]

At any given time, there are either 8 million or zero plastic grocery bags in my house.

[HellJoy: How to Survive Parenting @Hell_Joy]

I can always make my kids laugh by saying “butthole.” It never fails. Butthole is batting 1000% in my house. If only the rest of life was like this. Wouldn’t it be great to drop the B Hole bomb in a meeting and watch the room erupt as executives high-five each other?

[HellJoy: How to Survive Parenting @Hell_Joy]

Is there a tree that grows kid shoes? Asking for a friend.

[HellJoy: How to Survive Parenting @Hell_Joy]

You know when you get in the car and the music is blasting because you were rocking out when you parked? That’s what parenting is like, except it’s always your favorite song and the music can be heard from space.

[Wendy S. @maughammom]

I predict 6 more weeks of my daughter asking me if she still has to wear a coat

[Robert Knop @FatherWithTwins]

Mommy: You turned on every light in the house - having a good time?
8yo, YA I KNOW, IT'S SO FUN, RIGHT?!?
Me: *pours drink

[Carbosly @Carbosly]

My family crest is three people looking for the TV remote.

[Faux Ma @Faux_Ma]

Me: "Would you like an apple?"
Daughter: "Ew no way."
Me: "...Would you like apple slices?"
Daughter: "Oooh yummy! Yes!"

Mastering the art of 6 year old snack logic one day at a time.