Heidi Paterson

[Heidi Paterson @ImHeidiPaterson]

TSA: are u carrying any firearms or explosives?

Me: *points to crotch* u mean this bomb pussy?

TSA: why do u always do this?

[Heidi Paterson @ImHeidiPaterson]

@TorontoPearson What is it going to take to access your lost and found? I left 2 tablets in security and your staff is refusing to let anyone look. It’s pretty sad that complete strangers on the internet are more helpful than your entire staff. Please stop blocking their efforts.

[Heidi Paterson @ImHeidiPaterson]

@NewWestPD Please do not use the word “relocated.” This is extremely deceitful. Tell the truth.

[Scradley @ColorMeScradd]

Free Fish Names Part 2:

Sir Anthony Hopfins
Shak-eel O'neal
Iggy Ascalea
Minnowna Ryder
Sardean Koontz
Jon Bonchovie
Goldie Prawn
Phillip Seafloor Hoffman

[Scradley @ColorMeScradd]

Free fish names:

Jessica Albacore
James Panko
Mila Tunis
Pike Tyson
Catfish Stevens
Shark Ruffalo
Beluga Ferrigno
Mrs. Troutfire
Keith

[Heidi Paterson @ImHeidiPaterson]

@SortaBad @dulcetry @Stellacopter @thetigersez

[Heidi Paterson @ImHeidiPaterson]

@IGotsSmarts @danguterman This is why I left 3 yrs ago 🙄

[Heidi Paterson @ImHeidiPaterson]

Nice try, building that used to be a Pizza Hut.

[Heidi Paterson @ImHeidiPaterson]

My biggest fear is getting cancer and not getting enough "likes" and "shares" for Jesus to heal me.

[Heidi Paterson @ImHeidiPaterson]

Do men know it’s ok to pee in the toilet and not just on or around it?

[Heidi Paterson @ImHeidiPaterson]

I was crying at the airport just now until they paged someone with the last name “scrotum.” Now I’m ok.

[Heidi Paterson @ImHeidiPaterson]

Please don’t name your kid “Rylan.” That’s not even a real name.

[Heidi Paterson @ImHeidiPaterson]

Hello 911? Yes, hi. My husband steals my tweets and thinks it’s funny.

[Heidi Paterson @ImHeidiPaterson]

My favorite wrestler is cold stone steve ice cream

[Heidi Paterson @ImHeidiPaterson]

My best friend passed away yesterday so please take a moment to admire his handsome face and go adopt a dog right now

[Heidi Paterson @ImHeidiPaterson]

Asterisk? You mean “tiny star?”

[Heidi Paterson @ImHeidiPaterson]

Fact: If you cut a helicopter mom’s head off, she will continue to breast feed her baby til it’s like 35.

[Heidi Paterson @ImHeidiPaterson]

If you post a selfie with a face full of makeup, captioned “sooo tired,” you can eat my butt with a spoon.

[Heidi Paterson @ImHeidiPaterson]

Money saving tip: die

[Heidi Paterson @ImHeidiPaterson]

Breakfast is the most important coffee and cigarette of the day.