Ashton Nelson

The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.

[Celeste Doi @nnurkova1]

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs.'

[Beth Davis @2zZapadnova94]

If you can't win the argument, correct their grammar.

[William Sotelo @Britenkov731p]

Dear Board of Education, so are we.

[Connie Hernandez @zaborevap]

I hate when I let people hold my phone, and when I ask for it back. They tell me to hold on, like no bitch give me my sh!t.

[Frances Steward @dzhalayag]

Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy.

[Ashton Nelson @KarmanFil]

POLICE OFFICER: "How high are you?" ME: "No officer. It's 'Hi, how are you?'"

[Dillon Harrell @ladonyav]

Just imagine, Usain Bolt was your father and you were trying to run away from a beating.

[Ella Johnson @lagutkoz]

If someone asks you about a musical you haven't seen, fake it by saying, "I love that part near the end when they all sing together."

[Tina Prager @kurennyy85]

Facebook prank: 1) Change your name to "No One." 2) Go try to add someone. It will say, "No One wants to be your friend."

[Lilly Pettit @debora_venerova]

How did the Dinosaur pass his exam? With Extinction!

[Ashton Nelson @KarmanFil]

My wife said to me, "I want you to whisper dirty things into my ear." So I whispered, "kitchen, bathroom, living room..."

[Ashton Nelson @KarmanFil]

I wouldn't trust my credit card with any of my friends yet i'll give it to just about any bartender.

[Ashton Nelson @KarmanFil]

Being nice to people you don't like isn't 'two faced', it's called growing up.

[Ashton Nelson @KarmanFil]

You know someone means a lot to you when their mood affects yours.

[Terry Richards @illyuminarskiy1]

I wish my money would have sex in my wallet and multiply.

[Annie Griffiths @kemaneva_mr]

ME: Well at least somebody's taking my Zombie Apocalypse theory seriously. *glares at wife*

[Ashton Nelson @KarmanFil]

Boy: bitch! Girl: Ha, i've been called worse. Boy: Like? Girl: Your girlfriend.

[Stacey Bible @LyapkinMega]

Textaphrenia - thinking you've heard or felt a new text message vibration when there is no message.

[Ashton Nelson @KarmanFil]

Nothing will ever change if you just sit there and don't have the balls to make it happen.

[Ashton Nelson @KarmanFil]

"Um, it's like that in every country, son."