Frances Steward

If you don't do stupid things while you're young, you'll have nothing to smile about when you're old.

[Frances Steward @dzhalayag]

Sometimes being single is just a vacation from all the bullshit.

[Frances Steward @dzhalayag]

Google: "I have everything!" Facebook: "I know everybody!" Internet: "Without me y'all are nothing." Electricity: "Keep talking, bitches."

[Joan Villarreal @oizotchenko]

Me: "Dad, how does it feel having an awesome son?" Dad: "I don't know, ask your grandpa."

[Frances Steward @dzhalayag]

Anyone else wonder why we drive in the parkway yet park in the driveway?

[Tonya Dodd @ArefiyCool]

I just want to meet a girl who loves me for who I am or literally any other reason.

[Frances Steward @dzhalayag]

You can't buy happiness, but you can buy vodka and thats pretty much the same thing.

[Frances Steward @dzhalayag]

Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy.

[Tammy Campbell @IliodorMiss]

Cop: "Sir, what's in that bottle next to you? Me: "It's water..." Cop: "Sir, this is wine" Me: "What? That damn Jesus! He did it again!"

[Frances Steward @dzhalayag]

The awkward moment when the GPS tells a gay guy to go straight.

[Lynn Nutting @EtvaliashviliGa]

POLICE OFFICER: "How high are you?" ME: "No officer. It's 'Hi, how are you?'"

[Brittany Wilkie @MsMiliotina]

Dont imagine you can change a man - unless hes in diapers.

[Patricia Bruton @leboshkinak]

Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn't last long for fat people.

[Stephanie Martinez @BrodovNice]

Don't let Facebook fool you, we are not "friends" .

[Frances Steward @dzhalayag]

It is better to be laughed at for not being married than to be unable to laugh because you are.

[Gladys Rey @83Kuritsina]

Cop: You know how fast you were going? Me: I was trying to keep up with traffic. Cop: There`s no traffic. Me: That`s how far behind I am!

[Frances Steward @dzhalayag]

If a man fails to open a jar, he must kill all witnesses.

[Frances Steward @dzhalayag]

Your ex asking to be friends after a break up is like kidnappers asking you to "keep in touch" after letting you go.

[Shannon Miller @ASinepalov]

Bad decisions make good stories.

[Frances Steward @dzhalayag]

I Hate That Feeling when you close your eyes to apply shampoo, and get paranoid that someone will kill you in the shower.

[Judith Snow @ChelyubeevMs]

A gift card is a great way to say, "Go buy your own damn present!"