Regina

[b @doyalikebaileys]

doctor: you have 2 months

guy from my dms: haha and then what;)

[several onions @Amusitr0n]

Lawyer: “...and I want a giant cartoon rat to play my skeleton’s rib cage like a xylophone.”
My Family: (quietly weeping)
Lawyer: if you want I can move on, he described this scene in some detail.

[Rosa A. Clemente @rosaclemente]

26 Billionaires in the world have more money than 3.8 billion people combined. yeah so I am standing with @AOC when she correctly said that it is immoral that less than 30 people have more wealth than half the world’s population.

[Karla Monterroso @karlitaliliana]

Taking this @AOC quote into my week: "My choice isn't what I breathe in, it's what I exhale... And right now, in this moment, I feel a need for all of us to breathe fire." Breathe fire, friends.

[GL @gldivittorio]

My Dad was raised in a conservative Catholic household but has really made strides since having kids to be open minded and has even recently become LGBTQ activist because of my sister, she’s not gay but she dyed her hair blue recently and he doesn’t know the difference

[Jon @ArfMeasures]

Cop *knocking on door* open up it's the police!

Me: it's ok, I haven't done any crimes

Cop: The fashion police

Me *kicking my crocs off* shit

[marf @MarfSalvador]

me: all I'm saying is, if a guinea pig and a penguin fucked, the baby would be a guinguin

zoo boss: what

me: you heard

[Ilhan Omar @IlhanMN]

Make no mistake, electing a historic Congress full of firsts would not have been possible without the work of Dr. King.

We stand on the shoulders of giants. We will not rest until his revolutionary vision of racial, economic & social justice is a reality for all. ✊🏽
#MLKDay

[The Dad @thedad]

Sorry to every drive thru cashier that’s had to lean out their window for me. I miscalculated my vehicle’s proximity to the building and now we both look like the most depressing version of Michelangelo’s Creation of Adam

[Jon @ArfMeasures]

Me: I was just killing time

Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim

[michaela okland @MichaelaOkla]

I need a really sweet and supportive boyfriend but I also need to be completely alone at the same time someone make it happen snap snap

[hugo @toasteredbread]

me, out of nowhere: oh FUCK

someone: what

me: i think i forgot to release my inhibitions and feel the rain on my skin

[Abbie @AbbieEvansXO]

Me: [drops an ice cream cone on the ground for the third time]
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me:
Genie: [sighing] fine, you can have a fourth wish

[The Dad @thedad]

A cooking competition show, but all the chef’s spouses are there to somehow keep standing in front of whatever drawer or cabinet they need to get into

[kelly @kelllicopter]

piercing lady: wash it with saline and be sure you DON’T TWIST IT

me: of course!!!

me, one second after leaving the store: hnnmmm twisty

[Rads @_radsy]

ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy

SATAN: holy shit

[Abbie @AbbieEvansXO]

Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe

Zoo employee 1: oh no

Zoo employee 2: oh no

Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no

[Ilhan Omar @IlhanMN]

Trump's website said Mexico would pay for his wall with a "one-time payment of $5-10B".

When he couldn't convince Mexico or Congress to pay, he shut down the gov.

https://t.co/R3enR06bF3