El Chalupacabra

there is no can’t in clarinet. American expat in the British burbs.

[Julicorn @ChicksRule]

I can’t deal with men any longer

[El Chalupacabra @Uncul_Scientist]

I haven’t been on this Twitter in ages and seeing all the defunct dm rooms makes me feel like I’m staying the night in a haunted house.

[𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝘀. @im_all_id]

Everyone's a tough guy until they make two turns and the same car is still behind them

[El Chalupacabra @Uncul_Scientist]

Rishi needs a new podium guy to do his podiums

[GlennyRodge @GlennyRodge]

At first glance, I thought someone in blue trousers was hiding behind that flag.

[Pasta Fazool @chrisdowning]

I want to open a restaurant that is train themed. I’d walk around dressed as an engineer in my overalls and funny hat saying “chew chew!” But then I’d also have to explain that what I’m saying is spelling chew not choo to be clever, and this is too much to delete so...

[Pizza Las Vegas 🍕🎲 @muyrando]

Look, when I insult you it's done playfully and with love, stop being such a fucking idiot.

[Just Bill @WilliamAder]

I was divorced a little over a year ago and I opened up a new kitchen sponge today.

[That Carly Girl @thatcarlygirl]

Them: "How's your diet going?"
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*

[The Wife @TheWifeYouLove]

If I knew where to go from here I would already be there, dummy.

[El Chalupacabra @Uncul_Scientist]

Bars during the day are essentially adult day care for the elderly. Club keno for entertainment, waitresses to call 911 if someone hurts themselves, bar peanuts for protein rich snacks.

[FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF @sofarrsogud]

Me: And I said ‘I thought eHarmony was the name of an all dolphin singing group’. Then my wife went for cigarettes and never returned.

Telemarketer: Ok gotta go *click*

[The Notorious B.E.V. 🌈 @blade_funner]

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Do you wish there was more hair in your refrigerator?

[Victoria @SexyInsomniac]

I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.

[Pasta Fazool @chrisdowning]

The harder you swing your arms, the more steps your Fitbit counts.

[Mal @TheRealPalMal]

There’s only two flavors of ramen in this Walmart so fuck it I’m doing keto.

[El Chalupacabra @Uncul_Scientist]

@HatfieldAnne looks like you’re not getting the easy way out of the Nuremberg trials

[Annie Hatfield @AnneHatfieldVO]

The thing is I clench my teeth ALL THE TIME so really there's no safe way I'd be able to keep a cyanide capsule in there.

[The Notorious B.E.V. 🌈 @blade_funner]

California could break off into the ocean and everybody'd be like, "Man, 2020."