Cletus

[Benny Feldman @Feldfrog]

(If I was at the roast of Kevin Hart)

Pete Davidson is here! Pete’s dated Ariana Grande, Kim Kardashian, EmRata, and many others

(Turn to Pete)

Hey Pete! All of those memories are now but ash in the sands of time

[John “The Neanderthal” Fetterman @CavemanSenator]

Using my ballsack as a gripper to open a pickle jar

[faget83629031852 @faget9261530128]

went to the doctor for a check up and he called my penis nonsensical and my balls avant-garde

[Potato Snail 🥔🐌 @I_love_snailsss]

Counting or not counting toy violence

[jake @wormpuller]

Pussy had me telling the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth

[Karen McGee @karenmotherof2]

Staring at Oz the Mentalist knowing that the person I’m thinking of is George Floyd

[Sound Dobad @SoundDobad]

Lookmaxxer community’s 9/11

[Dr. Clown, PhD @DrClownPhD]

Troy, but instead of Brad Pitt, it’s Elliot Page.

[Dexerto @Dexerto]

The son of retired YouTuber Outdoor Boys has completed his first solo camping trip in Alaska

Outdoor Tom built his own shelter, started his own fire, and his dad camped nearby to make sure he was okay

[Retro Coast @RetroCoast]

"You're not out here asking why America pays for Israel to have free healthcare, are you son?"

[swinky @swinkying]

doing salvia and becoming an unexploded ww2 landmine for 37 years

[Autism Capital 🧩 @AutismCapital]

"People keep saying that Lizzo is washed up. But I believe the correct term is beached." - Shane Gillis

[LaughBreak: Dad Jokes ‘N More @MediocreJoker85]

The year is 2028, and the United States has just elected the first woman from Alabama as president.

A few days after the election, the president-elect calls her father and says, “So, Daddy, I assume you’ll be coming to my inauguration?”

“I don’t think so,” he replies. “It’s a 16-hour drive, your mother isn’t as young as she used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again.”

“Don’t worry, Daddy,” she says. “I’ll send Air Force One to pick you up. A limousine will take you from your door.”

“I don’t know,” he says. “Everyone will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?”

“Oh, Daddy,” she replies, “I’ll make sure she has a beautiful gown, custom made by the best designer in Washington.”

“Sweetheart,” he continues, “you know I can’t eat those rich foods you and your friends like.”

“Don’t worry,” she says. “The entire affair will be handled by the best caterer in Washington. I’ll make sure your meals are salt-free. I really want you to come.”

So the father reluctantly agrees.

On January 20th, 2029, the first woman from Alabama is sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sit her mother and father.

The father leans over to the Supreme Court Justice next to him and whispers, “You see that woman up there, hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States?”

“Yes,” the Justice replies.

The father says proudly, “Her brother played football for the University of Alabama.”

[turd @goonageddon]

my broke buddy got twins on the way and he hit a $400 parlay the other night and ordered a parrot online

[Thomas White @len0killer]

David Spade should have been buried with Chris Farley like a pharaoh’s concubine

[Drunk Asshole @DrunkAsshole67]

ate buffalo wild wings and my dick and my ass switched places

[bobby @bobbylikesbeers]

i masturbate loud as hell so if you don’t like that go to a different jersey mikes