The Element SA

[Anthony McHats @TheHatStore]

me: [being murdered] wait are you boosted?

[Fomo Simpson @HaliPhacks]

Me: Siri, smite my enemies.

Siri: Calling Smith, Emily.

[mo @chuuew]

me: thanks so much i o u

them: it's pronounced lou

[Trouble @troubleinheels1]

I had Pfizer. I Pfeel Pfine. No side ePfPfects.

[Adam @adamgreattweet]

managing my anxiety https://t.co/6a2vrtqhe0

[bay @sugar__bay]

Ok but how fukin TIGHT was it rearranging your room when you were younger and it feeling like a different space and you’d show your parents and they’d be like wow very nice and you’d be like FUCK yes new room new me

[Jason Not Evil @JasonNotEvil]

Third time's a charm

-me, on my seventh time

[ً @artfuIchaos]

someone: ' are u ok? '

me :

[Angie thinks ur amazing 💜 @angiethinksFFS]

I have never been pissed off by potatoes.

[Jules @julesbrazz]

Curriculum Vitae sounds like a Harry Potter spell to get a job

[The Element SA @_Pew__Pew]

When someone speaks when your favorite song is on.

[Matty @bestestname]

A good measure of how happy you are is whether you want birds to shut the fuck up.

[The Element SA @_Pew__Pew]

New Xbox skin is 🔥

[Swim Jeans 👖 @ShortSleeveSuit]

[garden center]

ME: do you have anything that will help my penis grow

CLERK: omg what

ME: *says the same sentence and mispronounces peonies again*

[cory @coolmathgame_]

me: i read pets are important for home security

wife: omg are we getting a dog

me: *opening briefcase full of bees* bees

[ǝɓıɐԀ uıɹƎ @erinpaigerod]

at what point should I be concerned how many meals I’m eating of just potato

[The Element SA @_Pew__Pew]

@AdamBroud Ahh the reason people do anthing - to prove a point 🙃

[Nickelforward @NickelForward]

Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?