Arqum S. Goraya

[Arqum S. Goraya @_w0Ify__]

Not everything is black and white, sometimes things are meant to be grey.. that inner blend of qualm and certainty is where battles are won.

[Josh @iwearaonesie]

wife:Guess what?
me: You're thinking about me and touching yourself
wife: 9 lost a tooth today
me: Oh
wife: And you're on speaker
9: Hi dad!

[JasonLastname @JasonLastname]

Imagine how terrifying snails would be if they travelled at normal speeds.

[Andy H. @AndyAsAdjective]

SCHRÖDINGER: cat is both alive & dead

HEISENBERG: can't say for certain cat is alive or dead

ME BACKING OUT OF THE DRIVEWAY: cat's dead

[bananafanafofisa @lisaxy424]

skinny girl eating in car: oh she is so busy she has to eat on the go!

me eating in car: ha that fat fuck can't go 2 minutes without eating

[Rock @TheMichaelRock]

Today has been one of those days where I could really use a nap and about 30 million dollars.

[Bryan With a Why @doublewenis]

Actually, ma'am, I was staring at your heart.

[Andy H. @AndyAsAdjective]

OK I'VE ALWAYS BEEN TOO EMBARRASSED TO ASK BUT WHEN SNOOP DOGG SANG AIN'T NUTHIN BUT A G THANG, WHAT IS G? IS IT GOOGLE? GUM? PLEASE HELP

[Victoria Sofia @Ideal_Victoria]

I have this reoccurring nightmare where I get stuck in a conversation with an adult wearing Disney apparel.

[bananafanafofisa @lisaxy424]

I'd be the worst evil villain cause all you'd really have to do is hide my glasses.

[Inappropriate Charm @LackOfShame]

I keep a bag of my single socks just in case the other one returns, so don’t tell me I’m not romantic.

[Saucy Kensington @Book_Krazy]

[spelling bee]

Your word is 'monosyllabic'

"Can you describe it in a sentence?"

Yes

[Simon Holland @simoncholland]

I tried to agree with someone by saying my favorite movie is JAWS too and now everyone thinks I am an idiot. I should have said "also."

[mark @TheCatWhisprer]

Hey people who post their morning workout stats I don't need that kind of negativity in my life.

[steve suckington @SteveSuckington]

You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.

[Amy Dillon @amydillon]

Hopefully one of the seven habits of highly effective people is crying in your car before work because you forgot your lunch.

[Uncle Duke @UncleDuke1969]

Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.