Rachel Brown

Isn't always straight.

[Rachel Brown @apynackn]

Everybody has a girlfriend or boyfriend, and I'm just over here like "I love food".

[Rachel Brown @apynackn]

Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push.

[Rachel Brown @apynackn]

Horror movies don't scare me. But eight missed calls from my mom does.

[Carolyn Lloyd @yfadimeS]

To catch me, you gotta be fast. To find me, you gotta be smart. To be me?! Sh*t! You gotta be kidding!

[Rachel Brown @apynackn]

Who else hates the sound of their own voice on video? >.<

[Orpha Morris @74Agapit]

My wife said to me, "I want you to whisper dirty things into my ear." So I whispered, "kitchen, bathroom, living room..."

[Rachel Brown @apynackn]

"Only when I think of all the people who've died & how they must have us seriously outnumbered...G'night!"

[Emily Lamb @0_pmoiseychenko]

You should always be yourself. Unless you discover you're an asshole, son.

[Rachel Brown @apynackn]

That awkward moment when you start telling a story & you realize no one's listening so you slowly fade out & pretend you never said anything

[Rachel Brown @apynackn]

He never forgets his wife's birthday. It's the day the ambulance usually picks him up from work.

[Arlene Palmer @KParnova77]

To catch me, you gotta be fast. To find me, you gotta be smart. To be me?! Sh*t! You gotta be kidding!

[Anita Benjamin @AristidGozenko]

The awkward moment when you're trying to get over someone you never even dated.

[Rachel Brown @apynackn]

Admit it, you should be doing something else really important right now but you're on Twitter instead.

[Laurie Yohe @GelsemMega]

A jealous woman does better research than FBI

[Rachel Brown @apynackn]

Dear stomach, you're bored, not hungry. Shut up, please.

[Rachel Brown @apynackn]

He who thinks only of number one must remember this number is next to nothing.

[Rachel Brown @apynackn]

The 1st was masturbating, but that just made funerals awkward.

[Rachel Brown @apynackn]

U-G-L-Y, YOU AINT GOT NO ALIBI YOU UGLY, YEA YEA YOU UGLY!

[Dominique Broaddus @tyagocheva]

That urge you get to write "No one gives a shit" on someone's status.