Diane Morgan

Forgiveness is the first step to moving on to a happier life. You have to forgive in order to heal....

[Diane Morgan @ariskin4]

Offering someone food and secretly hoping they say no.

[Diane Morgan @ariskin4]

Cop: Why were you speeding? Me: I'm going to the store to get Oreos. Cop: Double stuffed? Me: Of course. Cop: Carry on.

[Kimberli Bilderback @grinyagina82]

Looking at things you wrote or comments you made from a year ago and wondering how you could possibly be that stupid.

[Angeline Johnson @Deresh88T]

An optimist is someone who falls off the Empire State Building, and after 50 floors says, 'So far so good!'

[Diane Morgan @ariskin4]

My girlfriend told me to see things from a girl's point of view, so I looked out the kitchen window.

[Valerie Rosa @gladinov]

"I love you" "OMG, really? What a coincidence!" "Why? You love me too?" "No, I love myself too!"

[Bonnie Cantrell @mchemerkin]

Twitter looks boring on the outside, but once you start using it, it's like f*cking Narnia.

[Diane Morgan @ariskin4]

My ex? Yeah, I'd still hit that. Only this time, it'd be with a car or a baseball bat.

[Laura Hopps @lagodnov]

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

[Tressa Borrego @chichvarina1]

Whenever I delete text messages, I feel like I'm deleting evidence..

[Diane Morgan @ariskin4]

"Never Mind." Definition: You should've listened the first 3 times b*tch.

[Elsie Castello @slambanin]

My twitter Is Rated "I" . "I" tweet what the fuck "I" want, when "I" feel like it. Therefore if you don't like it "I" don't give A FUCK!!"

[Stacey Bible @LyapkinMega]

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

[Diane Morgan @ariskin4]

If you tickle me, I'm not responsible for your injuries

[Diane Morgan @ariskin4]

Scientists have found that putting the phrase "Scientists have found" in front of something will make people read it.

[Diane Morgan @ariskin4]

Black People Pray when they bout to Whoop somebodys Ass! "Lawd gimme strength before I Beat this Bitch ASS! Amen"

[Bidisha Kalita @BidishaKalita01]

ME: Well at least somebody's taking my Zombie Apocalypse theory seriously. *glares at wife*

[Ethel Barnes @akinfb1]

Marriage is the most expensive way to get advice for nothing.

[Diane Morgan @ariskin4]

If dicks had wings your mouth would be an airport.

[Diane Morgan @ariskin4]

Whenever I open a package of bread I skip the first piece. Because its ugly.