fuck its dark

[pat tobin @tastefactory]

If I’m ever filthy rich I’m going to get one of those toasters with 4 slots.

[paperwash© @PaperWash]

swimming is basically karate chopping water in order to save your life

[fuck its dark @fuckitsdark]

Our first time at the comedy store in Los Angeles tonight can’t wait to see @TheoVon

[Abby Heugel @AbbyHasIssues]

Adulthood is mostly Googling symptoms, clearing notifications, and hurrying to get somewhere you don't want to go.

[_ZeRoyalGobshite_ @Gobshite_]

Light one cigarette during pilates and everyone turns into a fucking critic.

[Abby Heugel @AbbyHasIssues]

February 14: I love you more than life itself!

February 15: Quit breathing so loud.

[Rob Long @_Red_Long]

Help the blind find your described pictures #VIVID (Visual Images for the Visually Impared Described) Thank you for all the pictures you’ve helped us see and for making Twitter vivid for us 😎 https://t.co/Ui7uqE0fok

[Rob Long @_Red_Long]

I’m a blind twitter user. There are a lot of us out there. Increase your ability to reach us and help us interact with your pictures, it’s really simple and makes a huge difference to our twitter experiance allowing us to see your images our way. Thanks for the description 😎

[JasonLastname @JasonLastname]

What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond

[Jon @ArfMeasures]

[First guy to order a cheese-board]

Bring me every cheese you have on some wood

[Jon @ArfMeasures]

CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?

WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i's

CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn't it Linda

[fuck its dark @fuckitsdark]

@Uber_Support my driver went into your Johannesburg office to be loaded onto my profile but he got sent away without any explanation help