$łåçêÿ Jøñęš

Time's tide will smother you.

[$łåçêÿ Jøñęš @glimmerbox]

'It's a miracle that I can walk at all. I bless the wonder of life and the newness of living.' - Patsy Stone

[$łåçêÿ Jøñęš @glimmerbox]

@nyctexx I have a stray wild kitten hanging around my house. I named it Shannon Feral.

[Evan J'daté Kessler @EvanJKessler]

I'm clearly not utilizing my white privilege to the best of my abilities.

[SheOverAnalyzes @SheOverAnalyzes]

She died doing what she loved: complaining about every. fucking. thing.

Ok, I killed her.

[Max P @DBMaxP]

The salty crispness of the chip definitely compliments the tart smoothness of the cheese... Hey!! Guy Fieri!!

IT'S. A. FUCKING. NACHO.

[Jan·da·līze ☆ @Jandalize]

Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.

[Jan·da·līze ☆ @Jandalize]

I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.

[Felix Felicis @LuckoftheDraw86]

I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.

[Reverend Scott @Reverend_Scott]

Doctor: Well Mr. Big Bird, it appears your size is a result of a tumor on your pituitary gland.
"Pituitary starts with P!"
You're gonna die.

[sara @SomthinBoutSara]

You say lonely

I say home alone with an opportunity to masturbate

[Manic Momday @welfarehoe]

Hi, I'm court ordered. Wanna grab a drink after?

-My pick up line at AA

[Babies Daddy @dshack8]

LOL at married people sitting on same side of the restaurant booth laughing. Not foolin' us with that bullshit. We know you hate each other.

[Tony P. @Tbone7219]

Jägermeister because getting a blow job from a 60 year old chain smoking bar whore behind a dumpster never gets old.

[(3(Bar))- (Br) @BarW38]

Hubs saw me this morning with no makeup and hair all over and said, "unfollow."

[Babies Daddy @dshack8]

Don't believe in miracles? Then how do you explain burps that give you room to drink more beer?

[Mmmkay? @missekay]

I know it takes more muscles to frown than smile. It takes even more to throat punch you.

Lucky for you I'm lazy and conserve my energy.

[Cookie’s Eye Candy Redux @sfreeze6]

It's not a carnival until you see a 300 lb woman with neck tats, a Tweety bird shirt and 20 inch diameter cankles eating a chili dog.

[Feenohmenal @Feenohmenal]

Ann Coulter says women who had abortions should have their names published. Ann, if you're executed, I'll pay top $ for front row seats.

[Lynseyjo1 @Lynseyjo1]

To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt'd me...... You just rt'd a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom