Skrillex Tillerson

non-sequiturs #octothorpe

[Skrillex Tillerson @JawnClimax]

Her: great unibomber costume
Me: yeah, costume

[Boyd's Backyard™ @TheBoydP]

I’m not saying I’m a fashionista, I’m just saying all of my belts are reversible.

[Madame Lifewaster Jr. 😐💀 @elunatyk]

Men are afraid to ask me out because I am a strong successful woman who knows what she wants and is violent and very unattractive.

[sweaty five dollars @iscoff]

Preventable diseases are BACK baby!! We got all your old favs and these symptoms are cool as HELLLLL

[Fred Delicious 🍆 @Fred_Delicious]

Hearing reports that Ted Cruz has both arms stuck inside Pringles cans and aides are frantically trying to free him

[Myrna Tellingheusen @PearlsFromMyrna]

Going to the ophthalmologist because one needs an updated eyeglass prescription to properly judge people.

[Stu, For Real @StuForReal]

Relax a brand new horror is just around the corner

[JC Tarp @jctwritesstuff]

[First Date]

No dessert for me, I couldn't eat another bite.

[Second Date]

*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*

[Pia Nacar @Kimgee8]

People take my tweet jokes seriously, then they laugh at my serious tweets.

Twitter is hard.

[your bff alex @psybermonkey]

Me: *microwaving soup* sometimes it's nice not spending your Friday night waiting at a restaurant table for food, you know?

Chef: you can't be back here

[Jason O. Gilbert @gilbertjasono]

TRUMP: Just after the midterms we’ll be sending everyone a $5000 Amazon gift card and a brand new Xbox with all the games. Fully loaded

MEDIA: We have zero followup questions

[Myrna Tellingheusen @PearlsFromMyrna]

Pool tables are what happen when men are left unattended.

[Jon @ArfMeasures]

Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself

Me: I see

Gf: Are you gonna over-react?

Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do

Ex Gf: what

[JC Tarp @jctwritesstuff]

*sees hot guy across the room watching me*
Me: *whispers to self* Don't be weird... don't be weird...
Him: *smiles, chin nod*
Me: *spirit fingers*

[Apathetic Activist @coketruck76]

Me: Assert dominance by... *turns to wife* How do I assert dominance again?
Wife: *forever long sigh* I'll do it myself.

[Buddawiggi @MarkBuckawicki]

If they ask for a frittata, you can literally hand them anything, not even Gordon Ramsay has a clue

[James Blunt @JamesBlunt]

Not even I think you’re beautiful.

[Adrenalin @adrenalindenver]

*watching James Blunt mouth "not you" to me after singing You're Beautiful in concert*