GreenEyedVixen

Verbally abusive, sincerely sarcastic & mentally unstable. Avi is me.

[Bob Kostic @causticbob]

Why is it that the winner of the Miss Universe contest always comes from earth?

[Bob Kostic @causticbob]

God's power has changed over centuries.

He used to create universes and flood the entire Earth - now he can only manage to appear on toast.

[uncoital comedy @UncoitalComedy]

Chicken tenders are just chickens that say they love me

[Bob Kostic @causticbob]

A sign above the door where I work says, "Once you go black you never come back".

You've got to have a sense of humour in the crematorium.

[sixfootcandy @sixfootcandy]

I find that carrying a sock puppet can get me out of almost any situation.

[GreenEyedVixen @jjm7479]

I was just followed by a wheelchair company. Is this what my life has come to?

[matt @dogfather]

[family dinner]
ME: I have an announcem-
SISTER: I GOT ENGAGED!
*everyone celebrates as I hold a chinchilla in a bow tie under the table*

[GreenEyedVixen @jjm7479]

Not quite, Mr. Bubble. Not fucking quite...

[🇺🇸Frank Whítehouse 🇺🇸 @WheelTod]

The most judgmental aquatic mammal is probably the seal of disapproval.

[stanley behrman @stanleybehrman]

Everything has a price, but not everything has value.

[stanley behrman @stanleybehrman]

The people who define you by your mistakes, are the same people who will resent you for your success.

[Pseudo Cyd @Cyd10e]

I am okay with my crazy...

I'm just not altogether okay with yours.

[🇨🇦𖤐 Father Red McGee 𖤐 🇨🇦 @FatherRedMcgee]

If she doesn't have to do an extra load of laundry due to all of the soaked panties, you're doing it wrong.

[Cup ☕f Joe. @I_Bl33d_Purple]

When my girlfriend is really mad at me, I put a cape on her and tell her, there, now you're super mad.

[Just J @junejuly12]

If you want him to stop saying moist, simply throw a flaccid into the conversation.

[Balls Deep @ThRealBallsDeep]

It's a pussy, not china set. Get in there and fuck it, bro.

[Lounge Fly @mrjohntofu]

With just a handful of werthers originals, you can get an old person to do just about anything.

[Boyd's Backyard™ @TheBoydP]

Why do Zombies that still ring doorbells look the most like their former live self’s?

Because they’re dead ringers...

[𝓶♡ @Love_bug1016]

Just because a love story is flawed and messy~ it doesn't make it any less fucking beautiful.