Kathleen Haugland

The best can't find you, until you put the worst behind you.

[Chasidy Chapman @misautovi]

Google: "I have everything!" Facebook: "I know everybody!" Internet: "Without me y'all are nothing." Electricity: "Keep talking, bitches."

[Diane Middleton @96Atayan]

Patient: The problem is that obesity runs in our family. Doctor: No, the problem is that no one runs in your family.

[Mary Bass @egoriyd]

Women are like police, they can have all the evidence in the world but they still want a confession.

[Kathleen Haugland @kisternaya1]

"My memory is so bad..." "How bad is it?" "...How bad is what?"

[Miriam Valdez @Efimiy76]

I always test psychics with a knock knock joke. If they say "Who's there?" I get up and leave.

[Kathleen Haugland @kisternaya1]

Dear face wash commercials, nobody actually splashes their faces with water like that. Sincerely, my whole damn bathroom floor is wet.

[Catherine Villanueva @koznyshevaa]

I ran into my ex the other day, hit reverse, and ran into him again.

[Kristina Shepard @1973_valkovich]

Nobody wants to be with somebody that's been with everybody.

[Betty Smith @manazypov]

Bitch, you knew you had roaches before you invited me over, so don't act shocked when you see one.

[Kathleen Haugland @kisternaya1]

Dear sneeze, If you're gonna happen, Happen. Don't put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.

[Shirley Coogan @miqifri]

That awkward moment when people think your guy best friend is your boyfriend.

[Kathleen Haugland @kisternaya1]

Scientists say vanilla is the most erotic smell to men.

[Annie Griffiths @kemaneva_mr]

Two girls wear the same shirt: "She copied my style!" Two guys wear the same shirt: "BRO!"

[Kathleen Haugland @kisternaya1]

If someone asks you about a musical you haven't seen, fake it by saying, "I love that part near the end when they all sing together."

[Kathleen Haugland @kisternaya1]

Dear Google: Please stop being like my wife. Kindly let me complete my sentence before you start to give me suggestions.

[Victoria Kite @KletsinMs]

Married men live longer than single men, but they're a lot more willing to die.

[Zelma Link @BalakirskayaMs]

Dear YouTube, I will always Skip this ad."

[Kay Melton @UBorislav]

Hate Mondays. Annoy Tuesday. Ignore Wednesday. Smile Thursday. Love Friday. Enjoy Saturday. Damn Sunday.

[Kathleen Haugland @kisternaya1]

TEXTING 101: (Oh) = Stop talking to me. (K) = I'm done talking. (Whatever) = Screw you. (Fine) = Screw it. (I guess) = I don't give a damn