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Kathleen Haugland
@kisternaya1
The best can't find you, until you put the worst behind you.
Thornbury
Joined February 2015
79
Following
70
Followers
501
Posts
kisternaya1
retweeted
Chasidy Chapman
@misautovi
about 11 years ago
Google: "I have everything!" Facebook: "I know everybody!" Internet: "Without me y'all are nothing." Electricity: "Keep talking, bitches."
kisternaya1
retweeted
Diane Middleton
@96Atayan
about 11 years ago
Patient: The problem is that obesity runs in our family. Doctor: No, the problem is that no one runs in your family.
kisternaya1
retweeted
Mary Bass
@egoriyd
about 11 years ago
Women are like police, they can have all the evidence in the world but they still want a confession.
Kathleen Haugland
@kisternaya1
about 11 years ago
"My memory is so bad..." "How bad is it?" "...How bad is what?"
kisternaya1
retweeted
Miriam Valdez
@Efimiy76
about 11 years ago
I always test psychics with a knock knock joke. If they say "Who's there?" I get up and leave.
Kathleen Haugland
@kisternaya1
about 11 years ago
Dear face wash commercials, nobody actually splashes their faces with water like that. Sincerely, my whole damn bathroom floor is wet.
kisternaya1
retweeted
Catherine Villanueva
@koznyshevaa
about 11 years ago
I ran into my ex the other day, hit reverse, and ran into him again.
kisternaya1
retweeted
Kristina Shepard
@1973_valkovich
about 11 years ago
Nobody wants to be with somebody that's been with everybody.
kisternaya1
retweeted
Betty Smith
@manazypov
about 11 years ago
Bitch, you knew you had roaches before you invited me over, so don't act shocked when you see one.
Kathleen Haugland
@kisternaya1
about 11 years ago
Dear sneeze, If you're gonna happen, Happen. Don't put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
kisternaya1
retweeted
Shirley Coogan
@miqifri
about 11 years ago
That awkward moment when people think your guy best friend is your boyfriend.
Kathleen Haugland
@kisternaya1
about 11 years ago
Scientists say vanilla is the most erotic smell to men.
kisternaya1
retweeted
Annie Griffiths
@kemaneva_mr
about 11 years ago
Two girls wear the same shirt: "She copied my style!" Two guys wear the same shirt: "BRO!"
Kathleen Haugland
@kisternaya1
about 11 years ago
If someone asks you about a musical you haven't seen, fake it by saying, "I love that part near the end when they all sing together."
Kathleen Haugland
@kisternaya1
about 11 years ago
Dear Google: Please stop being like my wife. Kindly let me complete my sentence before you start to give me suggestions.
kisternaya1
retweeted
Victoria Kite
@KletsinMs
about 11 years ago
Married men live longer than single men, but they're a lot more willing to die.
kisternaya1
retweeted
Zelma Link
@BalakirskayaMs
about 11 years ago
Dear YouTube, I will always Skip this ad."
kisternaya1
retweeted
Kay Melton
@UBorislav
about 11 years ago
Hate Mondays. Annoy Tuesday. Ignore Wednesday. Smile Thursday. Love Friday. Enjoy Saturday. Damn Sunday.
Kathleen Haugland
@kisternaya1
about 11 years ago
TEXTING 101: (Oh) = Stop talking to me. (K) = I'm done talking. (Whatever) = Screw you. (Fine) = Screw it. (I guess) = I don't give a damn
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