bearded grumblings

Resident stoner. Forever laying on the couch charging my phone.

[bearded grumblings @liberalcannon]

You look sad. Is it because you're ugly?

[James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn @XplodingUnicorn]

Me: *walks in the door* How was your day?

Wife: *hands me a kid*

*hands me another kid*

*hands me another kid*

*hands me another kid*

[bearded grumblings @liberalcannon]

If you want to soar drop whatever brings you down.

[E~ville @E_Ville13]

Sometimes when it hurts, you just have to let it.

[bearded grumblings @liberalcannon]

Anything you can do I can do with less enthusiasm.

[bearded grumblings @liberalcannon]

If I offer to buy you a coffee and it comes out to more than $3.50 rest assured I'm never offering again.

[bearded grumblings @liberalcannon]

When I see someone with a bag of pistachios that have already been shelled I'm like "that person has money"

[bearded grumblings @liberalcannon]

I'm so motivated to do absolutely nothing today

[Miss Jones @ladyfiredancer]

The older I get the more freaky and weird the sex has to be for me to get off. Someday you're gonna have to smack my clit with a shovel.

[bearded grumblings @liberalcannon]

I got the sickest gold watch today for $20!!

[interrobangbang @misworded]

Humans let you down.
Drugs don't.

[Cherye @Clanopath]

I'm really good at ignoring my problems, so don't become one.

[bearded grumblings @liberalcannon]

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

[bearded grumblings @liberalcannon]

Nothin but debt baby

[Uncle Duke @UncleDuke1969]

“Do you know why I pulled you over?”

“Was I speeding?”

“No. Because you have a pony tail.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Sir, you’re over 40.”

[bearded grumblings @liberalcannon]

🎶you'll be happy you're lonely on farmersonly dot com🎶

[Boyd's Backyard™ @TheBoydP]

Protip: Go there, do that, but never buy the tee shirt.

[Rock @TheMichaelRock]

13yo: Ugh....my IOS 9 update took 15 minutes!

Me: It used to take me 45 minutes to download one song.

13yo *head explodes*

[bearded grumblings @liberalcannon]

Pumpkin beer is the white boys pumpkin spice latte

[bearded grumblings @liberalcannon]

You look like the type of person who calls into a radio show to win concert tickets

[bearded grumblings @liberalcannon]

Shout out to the high school kid in front of me at dunks getting 10 shots of coconut and 10 pumps of caramel syrup in his coffee.