Dadthoughts

New dad. Thoughts that just happen.

[Dadthoughts @newdadthoughts]

I never thought my stingy ass would spend $15 a month to watch a bunch of sweaty British people bake once a year.

[Dadthoughts @newdadthoughts]

@mahnamematt What I think they’re actually doing when someone tells me that cilantro tastes like soap.

[Dadthoughts @newdadthoughts]

@Eithercryingor Need something stronger to inevitably get through instructions at least twice.

[Vinod Chhaproo @Chhapiness]

Secret to a successful relationship is to ignore star signs, and be with the one who is compatible with your thermostat settings

[Science Mom 🔬 @EmSlyce]

Just learned that the opposite of taking candy from a baby is taking candy from a toddler

[Real Life Mommy @reallifemommy3]

When taking your kids trick-or-treating it’s important to make sure it’s actually Halloween

[Vinod Chhaproo @Chhapiness]

I ate all the Halloween candy already, so this year trick or treaters are getting empty plastic containers from my lockdown collection

[Mental Masochist @SentientSadist]

When people used to tell me to "talk to the hand" I would have a long philosophical conversation with it. Then, I'd feast off the fear in their eyes.

[your other mom @difficultpatty]

A haunted house, but it’s just a room where they put mayonnaise on everything.

[numberjack @numberjack3]

How do you know your husband loaded the dishwasher?

Don’t worry, he’ll tell you.

[mom mom mom mom mom @notmythirdrodeo]

me: how do you like my costume?

3: you look a mess

[Dadthoughts @newdadthoughts]

*optimistically taking the baby to their room to put to sleep. *

Baby:

[KJ @IDontSpeakWhine]

My son wears at least 3 pairs of socks a day. How is it possible that 5 of those socks make it into the laundry, but then only 3 make it out of the dryer and NONE OF THEM MATCH?!

[Dadthoughts @newdadthoughts]

@IDontSpeakWhine Sounds like math homework no one is able to solve so relying on Twitter to provide the solution.

[Saparmurat Niyazov @saparmuratfaux]

Gonna open a Voldemort themed breakfast joint called 'Tom Marvolo's Griddle'

send tweet

[Dadthoughts @newdadthoughts]

*when baby sleeps well*

Me: Yes. I can finally sleep.

My brain:

[Science Mom 🔬 @EmSlyce]

As a microbiologist, I thought I knew all about bacteria and viruses. Then I sent my kids to daycare

[NicholasG @Dad_At_Law]

11 y/o says rap isn’t music, “it’s just talking,” so once she gives me a curfew and tells me she’s not mad, just disappointed, I guess her transformation into my mother will be complete.

[Dadthoughts @newdadthoughts]

@michimama75 Perfect word count for a complete conversation.

[Marissa ☀️🌻💛 @michimama75]

I witnessed two dads approach each other at pick up. One asked, how was your trip? The other responded, oh terrible! Don’t ever go there! They chuckled together and went their separate ways.

Nature is amazing.

[Dadthoughts @newdadthoughts]

@Wordesse Every time I see a phone with night mode turned off.