Carmely Sandiego

I forget what eight is for.

[Carmely Sandiego @orangecrushable]

I’m not one for stereotypes, but I’m starting to think I am a bad driver.

[Sophia Benoit @1followernodad]

Catherine O’Hara in the first Home Alone movie is, despite her actions, the chicest mom I could imagine as a child

[Yikes is my catchphrase @big_yyikes]

Signing off emails with “goodbye forever”

[Avogadro’s House of Moles @schumoo]

I refuse to glow up again today.

[Jason, ex Inferis @benedictsred]

We all got that one homie won’t go til he get some figgy pudding

[Carmely Sandiego @orangecrushable]

@benedictsred I’m done asking. Bring us the pudding or die

[Carmely Sandiego @orangecrushable]

@kristabellerina You’re doing great!

[ravn @mfnravn]

how tf y'all start a christmas song w "you better watch out" watch fucking what

[𝑴𝒐 𝑴𝒐𝒉𝒍𝒆𝒓 @MoMohler]

I was just told to get rid of my desk air fryer. What am I supposed to do with my mini tacos? Use my desk microwave? Get real.

[meghan @deloisivete]

Yes officer, I was going too fast, but to be fair, Carol of the Bells kind of slaps

[krista @kristabellerina]

The quiet death of Twitter is the funny accounts disappearing one by one.

[The Real Rodney Lacroix @RealRodLacroix]

If you survived the Hatchimal Christmas season of 2016 you can survive anything.

[Carmely Sandiego @orangecrushable]

There’s not a lot of instances where you can say it’s better to be an adult vs. a child. But, right now, after the Thanksgiving holiday, my kid is being graded on rollerblading in PE.

[The B. @anerdonfire2]

When it comes to mistakes, I have you beaten in both quantity and quality.

[your other mom @difficultpatty]

I can’t believe we have to go to work on Cyber Monday.

[jizzlane maxxxwell @dankcharnley]

replacing background checks with astrology

[Man of Letters @manofletterz]

Not here to be liked I just wanna say shit

[boop @xboxbodywash]

Why not shoot the messenger? It'd provide temporary relief from the pain and shock of the message

[Avogadro’s House of Moles @schumoo]

I don't know where I am or what day it is. It was a good nap.

[Carmely Sandiego @orangecrushable]

I don’t repost myself, but by god, this still holds true one year later.

[Carmely Sandiego @orangecrushable]

I have no desire to work now. I had five days off in a row where I dined at a feast and was entertained at a cinema. I have flown too high to return to a laptop.