Raymond

I heard companies are paying people to mention their products on their Twitter page. That's as crazy as the discounts in the Land of Leather January sale...

[Raymond @raymondspage]

My neighbour knocked on my door at 3 o'clock this morning! What kind of lunatic knocks on someone's door at 3am?!?!...
...Luckily for him, I was still up, playing on my trumpet 🎺

[Lee Greenfield @LeeGreenfield]

Is it just me or does this antique rattle I found in a store look exactly like @MrTeller from Penn and Teller?

[Raymond @raymondspage]

@HalfwayPost

[Raymond @raymondspage]

@MerkelTwerkel @tzafinu You haven't met my girlfriend...

[Raymond @raymondspage]

This creature looks like big bird from Sesame Street's evil cousin, but it's actually a real bird called a shoebill and not a puppet. Let that sink in.

[Bryony Burrell @lifeofbryony]

I just called the local surgery to book a telephone appointment with my doctor about my hearing. The booking assistant asked me to describe the symptoms. I said, they're a cartoon family and for some reason, they're all bright yellow.

[Irvin Levine Attorney at Law @IrvinLevineLaw]

You should treat paying my extortionate invoices like peeling off a plaster. Why prolong the pain and agony?
Just rip off that plaster quickly and suffer one short, sharp shock instead of slow bouts of excruciating hurt.

[Elton John @eltonjohnofthey]

I do not look like Nicola fucking Sturgeon's mum!!!

[Elton John @eltonjohnofthey]

David, my husband, just asked me if I'd like to go for a jog in the morning....NO, DAVID! I'M GOING TO START FUCKING DRINKING THE MOMENT I WAKE UP LIKE EVERYONE ELSE!!

[Babu Kalpash @BabuKalpash]

I just called my Mother in India and she said 'Who is this Soshal Distan Singh and why is everyone talking about him Babu?'

[Babu Kalpash @BabuKalpash]

I wanted him to be a doctor

[Babu Kalpash @BabuKalpash]

I was very disappointed when my son @AabheerKalpash was born. It's not because I wanted a girl instead of a boy, it's because I wanted a doctor instead of a moron.

[Irvin Levine Attorney at Law @IrvinLevineLaw]

Suspected drug dealer? Being prosecuted by the full force of the law? Come to my office and give me a large case full of the money that you very definitely did not get from selling drugs and I will represent you

Call 1-800-Levine
If you want to be fine and not serve time

[Raymond @raymondspage]

@rootsofstrength @rockingunicorn Probably burning his shoulders...

[Raymond @raymondspage]

Is it just me or does this picture look like the sun is giving this man a shoulder massage?

[Babu Kalpash @BabuKalpash]

A customer came into my pharmacy with his wife and said: 'My wife and I are trying to get pregnant, can you give us any advice?' They were so ugly, I handed them a 24 pack of condoms and said, 'Yes I do, don’t.'

[Raymond @raymondspage]

Just the fact that we know that Chameleons exist mean that they're epic failures.

[FAFF TV @FaffTv]

#FAFFORIGINAL Ep7 “Cult Of They” UBER - by George Kaye, Lee Greenfield & Da Vinci Volpe. #animation #comedy #laugh #faff #fafftv #lol #animatedcomedy #uber #ubereats @CultofThey @LeeGreenfield

[Raymond @raymondspage]

My grandpa's last word's to me on his deathbed were 'you selfish boy!'...
I took his advice and now i'm a fishmonger.