Kirsten

I am a person who wants to do a lot of things, trapped in a body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.

[your other mom @difficultpatty]

I was not prepared for the part of adulthood where I would have a favorite reusable grocery bag.

[Aubrey Hirsch @aubreyhirsch]

Keep seeing tik toks of parents complaining that the “girl” toddler shorts are way shorter than the “boy” toddler shorts and parent hack: you can just buy the “boy” shorts for your daughter, like they don’t enforce it

[The Real Rodney Lacroix @RealRodLacroix]

[6 AM]

Child [coming out of bedroom]: Do you think Lightning McQueen has car insurance or life insurance?

Me [rubbing temples]: it is way too early for this

[Sarcastic Mommy @sarcasticmommy4]

My son woke me up at 2am to let me know he was awake, if you’re wondering if kids might be for you.

[Marcy G @BunAndLeggings]

Getting older is crazy. The most dangerous thing you do is sleep. You might hurt your back, you might hurt your neck. Who knows, but you have to do it every night. We are so brave.

[Dan Duvall @DanDuvallComedy]

I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here

[The Spicy Disaster Mama @spicydisasterma]

It’s shocking to learn how much my kids enjoy different foods at other peoples houses and then hate them at home.

[Kirsten @schmerst]

@mazzymusic 😂

[Raj @__rajpatel_]

Me: No serial killer would ever lure me into their murder van. I'm too smart for that.

Murderer:

[Be Kind Of Witty @bekindofwitty]

My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”

[Kirsten @schmerst]

@LadyMacBec @1929stockcrash @mazzymusic Haha!! I wish!

[The Dad @thedad]

It’s officially the season of letting vague Santa threats do about 80 percent of my parenting.

[Kirsten @schmerst]

@mazzymusic 😂

[Mommeh Dearest @mommeh_dearest]

If the afternoon sun highlights the dust on your wood floor or the finger prints on the tv try this one simple cleaning hack…close the blinds

Follow for more tips

[Simon Holland @simoncholland]

Some people think middle age isn’t exciting but I put out a new bird feeder and seeing the first bird find it was better than most concerts I’ve been to.

[Sarcastic Mommy @sarcasticmommy4]

Did you ever think grocery shopping by yourself would be the highlight of your day?

Have kids.

[Mommeh Dearest @mommeh_dearest]

*puts away vacuum until kids leave for college cause what’s the point*

[Mumnipotent Ruler @MumOfTw0]

There is nothing more dangerous than a toddler trying to “help.”

[SpacedMom @copymama]

Parents be like, “Here’s something from your childhood we found in our house, we thought you’d like to have it for sentimental value*”

*Because we want it to clutter up your house instead of ours now

[Dan Regan @DanRegan_Comedy]

When my wife says "You know I've been thinking" there's a 85% chance we're going to end up in a store.