Simon

don’t buy it

[Simon @simon_ph_]

All of my friends are prudes

[Simon @simon_ph_]

@lambnctrl This is disrespectful

[Simon @simon_ph_]

I don’t fuck with reptiles

[Simon @simon_ph_]

Have you ever donated to Wikipedia?

[Simon @simon_ph_]

I lose respect for you with every exclamation point you use.

[Simon @simon_ph_]

Do you like this?

[Simon @simon_ph_]

Mystified by people who can french braid

[Simon @simon_ph_]

Something I can’t forgive my boyfriend for is being a “2-packs-of-ramen-at-a-time” person

[Simon @simon_ph_]

One of life’s greatest traps is getting stoned and eating candy all night

[Simon @simon_ph_]

@macskibowl @Oregonian How dare you

[Simon @simon_ph_]

I’m finally ready to admit im too lazy to be a farmer’s wife

[Simon @simon_ph_]

Ritz crackers are only mediocre I’m sorry you know I’m right

[Simon @simon_ph_]

All stink bugs can burn in hell

[Simon @simon_ph_]

Strategically plugging in a phone charger before moving the couch into the room is some of the best foresight I’ve ever had

[Simon @simon_ph_]

I have no swagger

[Simon @simon_ph_]

Crush on Yo-Yo Ma

[Simon @simon_ph_]

Dryer lint as a metaphors for life.

[Simon @simon_ph_]

@staticbluebat This is a solid burn

[Simon @simon_ph_]

@naijamicrophone @InternetH0F This answer is incorrect

[Simon @simon_ph_]

Am I the only person in the world who doesn’t like shrimp?