SplendidlyCynical

[WittySassBasket™ @WittySassBasket]

I'm wearing a hoodie I don't remember stealing.

[dire wolf @ADDiane]

[on trial]
judge: ORDER! ORDER IN THE COURT!
me: finally, I'm fucking starving

[The B. @anerdonfire2]

Look, how was I supposed to know who you were? You're constantly changing your avi and you never retweet me anymore.

I'll call ya later mom.

[The Dean @FakeDeanAccount]

I may not be book smart but I can recite the opening saga cell from Quantum Leap with vigor and confidence

So fuck you

[The Pale Space Rider @truegritrumble]

I saw my dentist at a candy store...I own him now.

[Vixx @VexingVixxen]

(Sends naughty pic)
Dudes: Oh shit is that now??
Me: (Making pasta and chopping vegetables) Yes, baby, that's now

[SplendidlyCynical @splendidcynic]

@SingleVixxen He’s more like this until he’s had his pop-tart and juice

[SplendidlyCynical @splendidcynic]

You’re like a lil mad chia pet. It’s kinda adorable.

[Parasite Hilton @ParasiteHilton]

*decapitates someone by snapping a towel*

Welcome to Bed, Bath, and Beyond Thunderdome...

[SplendidlyCynical @splendidcynic]

@ParasiteHilton All good my man

[WittySassBasket™ @WittySassBasket]

Getting your shit together is a straight up pain in the ass.

[morecodesthanMI5 @morethanMI5]

Apparently telling people to sit down and shut the fuck up isn’t the way to start a sermon

[weekend twitr @WeekendTwitr]

Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.

[WittySassBasket™ @WittySassBasket]

I fell out of the bed turning off the lamp in case you wondering about my athletic prowess.

[WittySassBasket™ @WittySassBasket]

I hate it when you go out for 2 beers and wake up 4 months later in Tijuana missing a kidney.

[SplendidlyCynical @splendidcynic]

I know some of you whores have taken a dick or six to the eye, but the eye worm lady just upped the game.

[LitaLita🌸 @xLitaLitax]

I can’t believe zombie flame throwers aren’t a twitter thing yet