sveta

who cut the cheese

[rob delaney @robdelaney]

women whning about the "pain of childbirth": I have a ingrown toenail AND I'm constipated so ,i think I get it #zzzz

[sveta @svetb]

Get bikini body confident with @kayla_itsines 12 week training guide! Follow! #kaylaitsines #health #fitness http://t.co/h4OgODvk4o

[sveta @svetb]

Learn how to exercise outdoors using the @kayla_itsines 12 week training guide! #kaylaitsines #health #fitness http://t.co/h4OgODvk4o

[rob delaney @robdelaney]

Probably one reason cops don't mind me walking around my neighborhood nude is that my genitals are fully obscured by hair.

[Lena Dunham @lenadunham]

And in conclusion, to the "tipster" who told Gawker I was feeding my dog a plate of salmon at an outdoor cafe. Fuck yeah I was.

[sveta @svetb]

@Sethrogen loved it. You and Zac are sex symbols to all 25-35 year old biological humans.

[Pugnado 🐾🌪 @LuvPug]

You're not an easy person to like....I like that about you.

[Brendan O'Hare @brendohare]

The police laughed at me when I said a group of teens intimidated me with their confidence. But who's gonna be laughing when I start crying

[Brendan O'Hare @brendohare]

The new teen craze is called "eating a balanced breakfast." Teens everywhere are starting their days off right and it makes me fucking sick.

[Craig Arseynimz @Arseynimz]

So my question is, did @simcore instantly rise to superstar with this latest Rodd & Gunn markketing campaign? http://t.co/Z2YkNYPl88

[Brendan O'Hare @brendohare]

If you have to leave your dog in the car, make sure you crack a window so they can ash their cigarette

[Lena Dunham @lenadunham]

Nothin' like a hard day's work to put sweat pleats in ya booty shorts

[rob delaney @robdelaney]

Glad the pendulum is swinging back & shaving off all your pubic hair is now the equivalent of wearing True Religion jeans.

[Bread John @Breadery]

The year is 2020. All political battles are decided by whoever takes the best selfie.

[Rachel Lichtman @rachelichtman]

Every woman has her date bra and her fat pants and her crying shirt and her murder wig and her courtroom brooch.

[Rock @TheMichaelRock]

If you're having a rough day, just remember that you have the same amount of Oscars as Leonardo DiCaprio.

[paperwash© @PaperWash]

Man's guide for a selfie:

1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don't take the selfie

[Kalie Moore @kaliemoore]

I'm months late, but the @Manrepeller Avocado Theory post could be the best article of all time on postmodern love. http://t.co/MQARhQsTin