Dave

Jesus follower, husband, father, designer.

[A Shot of Steve™ ⚡️ @SteveKoehler22]

If Hillary Clinton loses the election-

Will Monica Lewinsky send her a
"close but no cigar" text ?

[david @_elvishpresley_]

Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that

[Rock @TheMichaelRock]

Oh yeah, play that victim card. Play it harder! Don't take any responsibility for your decisions or actions. Oh yeah, right there.

[Simon Holland @simoncholland]

Apparently the worst thing you can do when your family is running late and trying to get out the door is write this tweet about it.

[Ally @TragicAllyHere]

Got an insurance physical and my blood sample came back as 3% queso. The lab attached a handwritten note that just said "good lord"

[Chicago Cubs @Cubs]

This is not a drill. RT for your chance to win tickets to #WorldSeries Game 5 at Wrigley Field. #FlyTheW

[mark @TheCatWhisprer]

When you leave your toddler alone for 5 seconds with a single raspberry.

[Dave @DaveHeiniger]

I'm at a production of Aladdin that will be preformed by special needs kids&I have never been more excited about a play in my life.

[Mark Chalifoux @markchalifoux]

I've always told my daughter to dance like no one is watching, because I'll never go to one of her recitals.

[Dave @DaveHeiniger]

@tschill86 ...mostly.

[Dave @DaveHeiniger]

Ok you guys are done there's ice cream everywhere… DON'T WIPE YOUR HANDS ON THE COUCH!
*6yo dumps ice cream in my lap*

[Dave @DaveHeiniger]

Evan McMullin’s Moonshot White House Bid Has Utah’s Attention - The New York Times https://t.co/S88UGOFEZt

[mark @TheCatWhisprer]

[facebook]
"5 years ago i married my best friend, my soulmate, i love you"

[real life]
"eat all the leftovers again and i will end you"

[jonny sun @jonnysun]

*puts on sorting hat*
sorting hat: GGRREAT LAKE! THROW HIM IN THE GREAT LAKE
me: nno can i be gryfindor
sorting hat: GGGREAT LAKE! DROWN HIM

[mustard clown @markydoodoo]

"Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?" I mumbled into the tv remote.

[mustard clown @markydoodoo]

If you're havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.

[Peter Heiniger @peter_heiniger]

Fast walking and slow automatic doors are now the reason why I can't go back to Meijer until all the witnesses are retired or dead

[Dave @DaveHeiniger]

Join me as I celebrate my 1,000th consecutive day of stating
"I will start my diet tomorrow."
I celebrated with a cheeseburger…
or four.

[Dave @DaveHeiniger]

Normally I like watching lunatics argue. I just wish they weren't next in line for the presidency. #debate

[GoaT FacE @EndhooS]

Obama: Fellow Americans, we-
Biden: Hey look…
Obama: Not now Joe
Biden: But I-
Obama: [pretends to throw a ball]
Biden: [scampers off]