Fit Paul

Actor, Fat Fitness Model, Occasional Nudist, the inventor of Tequila, Aggressively Unfancy & Self- made thousandaire. Spreading smiles like they're herpes

[Erren Michaels 🐇🌹🌱📚📖🐰 @ErrenMichaels]

A pack of wild dads circle me, hammers raised.
"But I don't need any DIY," I say, "I'm fine!"
"Hello Fine," their leader hisses, "I'm dad."

[Floyd @dafloydsta]

We get it artists. Things are beautiful but in a sad way.

[Josh @iwearaonesie]

wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though

[Evil Dad @evildadatron]

I would conjure up demonic entities to gather innocent souls for me to feast on but...

my kids colored on all the pages of my Necronomicon

[Fit Paul @Fit_Paul]

You know who else didn't have plans on Friday night? Harry Potter. He was busy fighting Voldemort. Maybe I am too. You don't know my life.

[Dick Scurvy @DickScurvy]

The Devil: Did you get my email?
Me: *sighs audibly*
Me: Yes, The Devil. I'm very busy. Don't be weird.

[Leon Reynders @Leonidas365L]

@hardeddy @Fit_Paul and these kak caaclists wonder why they get dribbed all the time!

[Ryan @mjkspeaks]

I always avoid people the way that I want to be avoided.

[Evan Fabri @BlindVigil]

I haven't used algebra in 3x-q years

[Minion @ItsTheMinions]

#TweetYourLifeInAPicture

[Blissy @PyrBliss]

I just want someone to love me. But not too much because then that's just annoying.

[Josh @iwearaonesie]

*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You're not going to get my period!

[Josh @iwearaonesie]

*falls asleep on the couch*
*starts whining*
*wife comes over*
*sprays more easy cheese in my mouth*
*goes back to sleep*

[Fit Paul @Fit_Paul]

@byron_something mayb it just needs a little cleaning

[Count Mackula @CountMackula]

Dear Women,

We're all idiots
Just pick one that's not the idiotist and go with it

Signed,
Some dude

[Fit Paul @Fit_Paul]

I love Chinese food as much as the next guy,,, but you'll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.

[Fit Paul @Fit_Paul]

After socializing and being nice to people all day it's nice to sit down, drink by myself, and be an asshole on the Internet.

[Fit Paul @Fit_Paul]

Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I'd love to bring a guest.

[Fit Paul @Fit_Paul]

So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius.