Agnes Starkey

Life is short, live it. Love is rare, grab it. Anger is bad, dump it. Fear is awful, face it. Memories are sweet, cherish it.

[Eileen Kinlaw @ProkopKolonich]

Nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who's free for the weekend.

[Agnes Starkey @SelivanEleskin]

That awkward moment when people think your guy best friend is your boyfriend.

[Florence Lancaster @79Landysh]

Yeah, bitches! I just sharpened a pencil with a KNIFE. I feel like such a man. I'm gonna go show my mom. BRB

[Agnes Starkey @SelivanEleskin]

He never forgets his wife's birthday. It's the day the ambulance usually picks him up from work.

[Connie Hernandez @zaborevap]

Just discovered a 2nd way I can make myself cry--yanking out a nose hair.

[Agnes Starkey @SelivanEleskin]

Missed calls: Dad-0 Sister-1 Brother-3 Mom-42.

[Wanda Lee @ekushtal]

Your ex asking to be friends after a break up is like kidnappers asking you to "keep in touch" after letting you go.

[Agnes Starkey @SelivanEleskin]

Yawning: Your body's way of saying "10% battery remaining."

[Louise Gerow @AviatsiyaMr]

If you have a stupid ass ex, retweet this with your middle finger.

[Margaret Miller @sazhneva74]

It's ironic how we ignore those who want us, want those who ignore us, and love those who hurt us and hurt those who love us. *Sigh*

[Tressa Borrego @91Kirik]

How to Save the World: 1) Make a document titled "The World". 2) Save it.

[Freda Trevino @mashanova_z]

You should always be yourself. Unless you discover you're an asshole, son.

[Agnes Starkey @SelivanEleskin]

2chainz is the guy from iCarly that sells bagels

[Agnes Starkey @SelivanEleskin]

I hope Snooki doesn't have any problems delivering her baby. She'd hate to hear the doctor say "We've got a little situation here..."

[Agnes Starkey @SelivanEleskin]

'Are you as bored as I am?' Makes sense even when you read it backwards...

[Dorothy Pettigrew @ikyzajche]

"In my defense, Your Honor, humans ARE animals too. Personally, I think you should blame the petting zoo sign for not being more specific."

[Marsha Smith @elladatsekhano1]

What the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? 45 pounds.

[Tracy Macon @MMolokankina]

I only smoke on days that end in Y.

[Sherri Seaton @kurlovich2016]

In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?

[Agnes Starkey @SelivanEleskin]

Biggest lie ever : I accept these terms and conditions.