Ashley Swallows

If you're following me, you must *really* be lost.
I think I made a wrong turn at adult-quirky.

[Ashley Swallows @ashleyswallows]

I'm mature enough to know I can't change other people. I also know it's a waste of time to sit around waiting for them to change. So now I focus my energy on hoping they just fucking die.

[Ashley Swallows @ashleyswallows]

Words to tweet by.

[Ashley Swallows @ashleyswallows]

I'm so disappointed in @WholeFoods for their decision not to allow employees to wear poppies this November. It shows a real lack of understanding of Canadians and our culture. I'll also point out that it's a poor time to be breeding divisiveness in any country.
#PoppyAppeal

[Paul Chapman @paulontherun]

Methinks ⁦@WholeFoods⁩ Is going to learn what the Poppy campaign means in Canada. It would be like telling someone to take off the American flag. Out of touch Americans.

Whole Foods grocery chain bans employees from wearing poppies
https://t.co/eDuoNnf0rP

[Ashley Swallows @ashleyswallows]

@REDROMINA Man endures lengthy police interview. Interviewer looks around, breaks coffee mug. Man catches ride home.

[Sesame Street @sesamestreet]

May your #FourthOfJuly be filled with friends, family, and cooooookies!

[Ashley Swallows @ashleyswallows]

@TommyPinkles @IdahoB0B @waltshaub @REDROMINA If I had 2 dollars for every time this quote went through my head, I'd be rich!

[Winston Chang @winston_chang]

If there's a baby boom in 9 months, it'll consist entirely of first-born children.

[Ashley Swallows @ashleyswallows]

Note to all the well-meaning friends out there:
The fact that your other friend with kids and I had unprotected sex within a couple of years of each other is not a reason to assume we will form a bond. Thanks anyway.
#parenting

[Ashley Swallows @ashleyswallows]

@muffkin7 House of Sand and Fog

[Doug Roxburgh @DougRoxTV]

@cspotweet Rush is terrible

[Ashley Swallows @ashleyswallows]

@Little_Sybarite @ibethebigG Here I am just spreading it on Arrowroot cookies like a sucker.

[Ashley Swallows @ashleyswallows]

People will accept all of this without question.
But if a kid has long hair, they must be a girl.
#thatslife

Anyway, my little guy grew his hair out and donated it to @WigsforKidsBC and I'm super proud of him for it.

[Ashley Swallows @ashleyswallows]

Since I had my second child, this is what I've learned about the power of gender stereotypes
A little girl can:
dress head to toe in blue
be as active and get as dirty as the boys
love superheroes, dinosaurs and spaceships
play with trains, planes and trucks

[Ashley Swallows @ashleyswallows]

@hlfway2sumwhere @2Saddington @MaraWilson This tweet is superior to the movie in every way. Most notably for its brevity.

[Ashley Swallows @ashleyswallows]

@Acidic_Blonde Raising Cain comes to mind but I'm guessing it might have been less troubling if I hadn't been on mushrooms.

Funny Games was pretty disturbing.

[Doug Bies @dougbies]

It’s a shame that more people don’t spontaneously combust

[Ashley Swallows @ashleyswallows]

Forget the swear jar. I'm making it into a literally jar.

Let them pay for their own trip to Disneyland.

[Ashley Swallows @ashleyswallows]

@momjeansplease Here lies Ashley she was a chill out music to my email address

I've been called worse

[DuckTalks🎩🦆💬 @DuckTalks]

To celebrate reaching 2017 followers we are going to do a giveaway. To enter you must follow us and retweet this announcement. One lucky person drawn at random will receive a PhatMojo DuckTales Gold Variant Figure Set. The cut-off to enter is Sat Oct 12th @ 12 PM est.