callie smith

[jake @wormpuller]

Akon said im tryna find the words to describe this girl without being disrespectful then settled on Sexy bitch

[HowlingMutant @Howlingmutant0]

When I was 13 the sensei at the mall taekwondo school said I was his most promising student and that he ran an underground fighting ring after dark where people placed bets. But when I showed up ready to enter a shadowy world of bloodsports I just - you guessed it - got molested

[Mark @AgingRanchHand]

I like when people ask "Is it possible you made a mistake?"

It's not only possible it's highly likely, brother

[V @vlxdvxid]

Life is too short. You should start building your own private military company with your friends.

[Ghostface Kryllah @kryzazzy]

“Hey, can I call you?”

Me: Absolutely not but thank you so much for asking

[Employee Tears @EmployeeTears]

Omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and "giving me some time back" now I can finally pursue my passions.

[Got CTE from playing Peek-a-Boo @doulbedoink]

I just took 30 skyrizi for no reason cuz im bored! @skyrizi

[jack @liverumination]

people love being like “fly safe” yeah i’ll do my best you absolute retard

[Skurt Vonnegut @ThisLocalHater]

If you were mine, I'd wake you up every morning with the smell of freshly exploded hot dogs in the microwave

[@ratlimit @ratlimit]

I work at Apple and every night they strap me into a booth and let me pick 1,000 people’s alarm clocks to silence. They strap me in and I strain to reach the buttons with my tongue. Thrash against the straps like a muscle of fishmeat. Blister my tongue against the hot buttons.

[Kaze @Evren_sszn]

Someone at work is going to suggest you download Outlook and Teams on your personal phone. It's very important that you don't listen to them.

[sydney assbasket @admiralwils0n]

Relapsing at the team building event

[Amiri King @AmiriKing]

My toddler loves Monsters Inc. especially Mike Wazowski.

Yesterday I was in Walmart and came across this cool t-shirt.

I immediately bought it, put it on in the car, and rushed home to show my toddler.

I hunted her down as soon as I came through the door.

She was sitting on the couch watching Hogi and eating Goldfish crackers.

I said, ‘Libby check out my cool new shirt!’

I was beaming. I just knew she was gonna think my shirt was the coolest shit ever.

She looked at me, looked at my shirt, scoffed, and yelled, ‘GO AWAY!’

Listen.

I don’t think we talk enough about what huge pieces of shit toddlers are.

That’s literally my TV you are watching.
I paid for those Goldfish crackers.
That’s my fucking couch.

I bought this cool t-shirt ONLY because of you.

And this is your response you f#ggot piece of sh!t??

You are wearing a shirt with a turtle on it that says, ‘Turtley Adorable’ you fuck!ng idiot.

You are broke.
Homeless.
Have poor life skills.
You can’t even fucking speak English.

You are basically a Somali immigrant only brighter in complexion and with much less forehead mass.

I’ll wipe my ass with this shirt.

Fuck this shirt.

Bitch nigga.

Your mom is fat.

[Anna Lulis @annamlulis]

Send this to the next person who tells you “late-term abortions don’t happen”

[PERVERTBALLMASTER3000 @snqped]

Hitler's spirit is alive and it operates this app called Microsoft Authenticator

[‏ً @omgsidewalks]

Btw, people have survived centuries without data centers but have never survived without clean water.

[Neet @neet_sol]

Job applications are like “not that it matters lol but are you hispanic”

[Joshua Collins @_JTx3]

😂 you gotta be dead before Herb Dean calling a fight

[slothy @slothy_420]

why is every school zone built like the perfect runway to test acceleration