Danielle and Farrah

One bad decision away from being the mom versions of Lindsay Lohan.

[AmberTozer @AmberTozer]

I only like talking to people who know they are mentally ill and are working on it - everyone else is either boring or terrifying

[The Real Rodney Lacroix @RealRodLacroix]

Me: You guys have a 90-minute school delay.
Kids: So what time will the buses come?
Me: [starts doing math in head]

[5 minutes later]

Kids: Dad we asked-
Me: Just start waiting outside right now.

[Kate @KateWouldHaveIt]

My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite

[Lauren Mullen @DraggingFeeties]

I just ended a sentence with not one, but two prepositions and saw the ghost of my 7th grade language arts teacher appear, weeping.

[Stephanie Ortiz @Six_Pack_Mom]

Me: "I can't concentrate; I need quiet for just a minute."

7y.o: "Oh, ok! How many seconds is a minute? 60, right? Ok, one, two, three, four, five, six...."

[Stephanie Ortiz @Six_Pack_Mom]

*relaxing quietly on the couch with my husband*

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

Me: “What are you thinking about?”

[Mommy Owl @Mommy__Owl]

My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.

She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.

Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.

My grandma is fierce.

[Danielle and Farrah @effinghandbook]

@MarriageMartini Thank you!!

[Scary Mommy @ScaryMommy]

I’ll be glad when my kids are old enough to take care of themselves, but I’m really going to miss how they mispronounce words, and snuggle-up next to me when they’re tired or scared.

[Amy Weatherly @TheAmyWeatherly]

My hobbies include:

1. Buying planners.
2. Never using them.
3. Being late everywhere and forgetting everything.

[Jane Ridley @JaneRidleyNY]

"What are you thinking about when I'm naked?" This Podcast couple certainly wears its heart on its sleeve. @MarriageMartini @nypost https://t.co/gY144HYeiq

[Danielle and Farrah @effinghandbook]

Other people have honor roll magnets on their cars and I’m over here life, today was amazing because my kid actually did homework without me having to scream until my head explodes. Where’s that bumper sticker?

[Molly England @bluebonetbabies]

Women who are both stylish and mothers, what’s that like?

[Danielle and Farrah @effinghandbook]

Note to self who wants to eventually fall back to sleep: DO NOT check your child’s grades on the school app when you get up to pee in the middle of the night.

[Danielle and Farrah @effinghandbook]

@DaniStieler This sounds amazing!

[Danielle and Farrah @effinghandbook]

Friend: want to join our “book club?”

Me: omg not even a little. But if you know someone who runs a “nap club,” I would be totally down for joining that.

[Sorta.Maleficent @xosm]

Not to brag but I’m the only one in this house who can change the toilet paper.

[Danielle and Farrah @effinghandbook]

I definitely wouldn’t get so annoyed with my 6 yr old for being so rambunctious if when he expelled all that extra energy we could somehow channel it to charge my phone battery just as it’s about to die.

[Mommy Owl @Mommy__Owl]

4-year-old: I like your ring! Is it from Claire’s?

Random lady: Ummm. No, it’s from Cartier.

[Fact @Fact]

Coffee has been found to reverse liver damage caused by alcohol.