Elyssa Grace

Reformed wild-child living the 9 to 5 life. Penchant for sarcasm, adventure, good company, and great wine. In no particular order.

[Elyssa Grace @elyssagrace]

@jenniorio me either, I don't have enough clever thoughts in my head to keep up with these people!!

[Tony P. @Tbone7219]

My girlfriend needs to start putting her cell phone and keys right next to all the things I've done wrong that she will never forget.

[Country Words @Country_Words]

It's a feeling alright Saturday night, and that's how we do it round here. -Florida Georgia Line

[Carleen @IHateCarleen]

If you're gonna twerk, it better be off a cliff.

[Kate Hall @KateWhineHall]

Initiating small talk is about as much fun as preparing for a colonoscopy.

[iJustine @ijustine]

OMG @BreakingBad_AMC … can’t… even….

[Alcoholic Anonymous @al_key_holic]

Are you a jean skirt cause you need to not

[You know @Tmoney68]

I don't drink coffee. I just assumed "Pumpkin Spice" was the fat, spray-tanned Spice Girl who never got to go on stage.

[Kayligula @kayleighceilidh]

Where can I resign from being an adult?

[Jesus Christ Edge Lord Parody & Savior @Jesus_M_Christ]

I'm starting with the man in the mirror. I'm asking him to change his ways...

PSYCHE!

I'm perfect & i'm not changing shit.

[Verifried Drunk™®© @VerifiedDrunk]

You'd think being right all the time would get old but nope.

[Piranha360 @KKuncut]

Note to parents: If your kid is screaming inconsolably in a store, that's your cue to get the fuck out.

[Texts From Last Night @TFLN]

(902): dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets

[Bitch Mittens @Jesssicle]

My autocorrect changes diet to die because it knows I'd rather do the latter.

[The Blonde One @MichelleDBlonde]

There's always one bitch at the gym thinking it's a club.

[Anna Kendrick @AnnaKendrick47]

Pinstripe suits are the adult version of Ed Hardy. Letting chicks know you're a douchebag from 100 yards away, just more expensive.

[Elyssa Grace @elyssagrace]

After the convos I had with my coworkers today, I'm fairly sure that unlimited therapy should be included in our benefits package here.

[Megan Amram @meganamram]

Pandora thinking I want to hear a Coldplay song should count as cyberbullying

[Swishergirl @Swishergirl24]

I think I can trace my drinking problem back to the time when Will Smith's dog died in that movie.