Odessa Foote

The best relationship is when we can act like lovers and best friends.

[Odessa Foote @liyas_m]

You don't know something? Google it. You don't know someone? Facebook it. You don't find something? MOM!

[Kimberley Rose @ichernizov]

I hate when people borrow money from you then get mad at you cause you want your money back.

[Odessa Foote @liyas_m]

Scientists have found that putting the phrase "Scientists have found" in front of something will make people read it.

[Elizabeth Lopez @titenskaya]

I miss being a kid. No one cared how you dressed, we were all friends, and you could be yourself. When did we turn so judgmental?

[Odessa Foote @liyas_m]

Dumb phone, that wasn't a "missed" call. That was a "Looked And Saw Who It Was And Pressed Ignore" call.

[Odessa Foote @liyas_m]

The only "B" word you should call a girl is beautiful, bitches love being called beautiful.

[Michelle Funes @rudzkiyv]

I prefer not to think before I speak. I like being just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.

[Patricia Badilla @gelchiganierus1]

Finally found my wife's G-spot when I grabbed the handle of the vacuum cleaner.

[Odessa Foote @liyas_m]

A clever person solves a problem. A wise person avoids it. A stupid person makes it.

[Odessa Foote @liyas_m]

Sorry for punching you in the face, but you should've told me that was an oatmeal raisin cookie and not chocolate chip before I bit into it.

[Odessa Foote @liyas_m]

Adele: "I set fire to the rain!" Spongebob: "LOL, please. I make campfires underwater." ;)

[Anne Robinson @76Protas]

When a bird craps on my car, I like to sit outside and eat a plate of scrambled eggs, just so all the other birds know what I'm capable of.

[Susan Everett @xyjojRa]

Grammar jokes are funny: The past, present, and future walk into a bar. It was tense.

[Kimberly Lassiter @ilner86]

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

[Odessa Foote @liyas_m]

My ex? Yeah, I'd still hit that. Only this time, it'd be with a car or a baseball bat.

[Odessa Foote @liyas_m]

THE BEST KINDS OF LAUGHTER: 1. Laughing so hard that your laugh becomes silent. 2. Feeling a 6 pack coming. 3. Tears coming out of ur eyes.

[Odessa Foote @liyas_m]

I just want to meet a girl who loves me for who I am or literally any other reason.

[Helen Camp @pdobryashchev]

If you tickle me, I'm not responsible for your injuries

[Kathleen Miller @lzmaev]

"I love you" "OMG, really? What a coincidence!" "Why? You love me too?" "No, I love myself too!"