JFlo

[Andy H. @AndyAsAdjective]

this "raw pure cane Turbinado sugar" I just put in my coffee sounds cooler than anything I’ve ever done or will ever do in my life

[The Real Rodney Lacroix @RealRodLacroix]

My kids recommend their own punishments to me like they’ve each mastered the Jedi mind trick.

[Elizabeth Hackett @LizHackett]

ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.

[JFlo @MamaFlores]

I keep trying to think of something better but snacking whenever I want is definitely the best part about being an adult.

[Andy H. @AndyAsAdjective]

I'm sticking to my guns on this one, but that's mainly because of the hot glue.

[Andy H. @AndyAsAdjective]

*corrects the grammatical errors in the Valentine’s Day card you gave me & quietly slides it back across the candlelit table to you*

[Andy H. @AndyAsAdjective]

I once got grape/cherry/grape in a mini-3-pack of Sweet Tarts & I’ve been chasing that high ever since.

[Andy H. @AndyAsAdjective]

Not to get too political but I think Pringles are overrated.

[The Real American Dadass @R_A_Dadass]

When your kids are able to wake up, turn on the TV, and pour a bowl of cereal on their own without making a mess, the second part of your life begins.

[The Real American Dadass @R_A_Dadass]

Some kids like to play Candy Land, but my kids like to play, How Many Times Can I Ask Dad The Same Question To See If He'll Change His Mind, Before He Gets Upset.

[The Real American Dadass @R_A_Dadass]

Welcome to parenthood, your kid's hungry again.

[Jackman...Forever @TheAlexP]

[hiking to secluded spot on a hill]

Her: *sexily* maybe it’s time we take this relationship to the next level...

*out of breath from walking so far*

Me: OMG, there’s an even higher hill?

[El Chalupacabra @Uncul_Scientist]

Today is a special day for me. This is the first time I finished a tube of chapstick before losing it. Thanks everyone who believed in me.

[Kanye’s bhole @bossy_bootz]

Me in my 20's:
oh cool there's an after party

Me in my 40's:
oh cool this cardigan has pockets

[Kanye’s bhole @bossy_bootz]

Welcome to your 40’s,

what’s your favorite hummus flavor?

[the pan-midwesterner @panmidwest]

DR.: you're going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home

[the pan-midwesterner @panmidwest]

ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much

THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion

[CERTIFIED LOVER BOY @tlynchiebaby]

*enters TJ maxx line with one pair of pants*
*leaves with a pair of pants, 2 candles, a new charger, exotic plant, new perspective on life*

[Elizabeth Hackett @LizHackett]

ME: Why can't I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I've made a list of everything you should never have spent money on. Let's start with 1998.

[Simon Holland @simoncholland]

Me: Which ones do you think will make me faster?

Wife: OMG you’re 39 just pick a pair of shoes already.