Ms.

Hobbies include: road rage, your wife, throwing pennies at small children & reading bitches down.

[Floyd @dafloydsta]

WIFE: His obsession with Trump is out of control.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *tweeting* OBV KAREN IS LYING. FAKE NEWS. VERY SAD!

[mustard clown @markydoodoo]

AVOCADO: Hello I'm good fat

BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*

[Mark @NoticablyBacon]

*dinner date*
Her: this is your last chance please don't embarrass me

*I'm already in a lobster tank fighting the lobsters*

[Mike Primavera @primawesome]

[Eric & Don sit at a desk in Trump Tower]
Don: What would dad do?
Eric: [takes a sip of piss from his World's #2 Son mug] Beauty pageant.

[The Daily Show @TheDailyShow]

Unverified. #GoldenShowerGate

[George Wallace @MrGeorgeWallace]

The Senate needs to report a preexisting condition. It has 51 assholes.

[Tony P. @Tbone7219]

My boss is on vacation so I'll be driving the forklift to Applebee's for Happy Hour.

[Erren Michaels 🐇🌹🌱📚📖🐰 @ErrenMichaels]

*Filling out form, gets to 'eye colour'*
[Writes]
LIKE THE STAGNANT POND IN THE WOODS WHERE THOSE KIDS FELL IN AND DROWNED THAT ONE TIME.

[herbie @obviouslyherbie]

people are looking at the conveyor belt waiting for their luggage to come out. suddenly i emerge, sitting on a picnic blanket eating dinner

[Dave-O @OldUncleDaveO]

*Putting superglue in a non-stick pan to see who is the real deal

[Marcmywords @Marcmywords2]

Dear 2017,
Here's a list of people we'd be,
y'know...cool wit.

Bill Cosby
Kim Jong-un
Anyone named Kanye or Kardashian
OJ
Roger Goodell

[Mark @NoticablyBacon]

I'm not an easy person to love, my hand is often stuck in a pringles can, I pronounce "button" as "Budden", I fight birds in my free time

[Willam @willam]

Stop calling a 4way stretch dress a gown. It's not. It's a fuckin dress that smells like Febreeze, Britney Spear's Fantasy & musty pads

[The Cultured Ruffian @CulturedRuffian]

When you're reading the news in 2016.

[Kalvin @KalvinMacleod]

BANK TELLER: to open an account I'll need a first name
ME: Robin
BT: and a last?
ME: Dabanc
BT: so ur Robin Dabanc
Me: *slowly reveals gun*

[Count Reverend Scott @Reverend_Scott]

If memes were a form of currency, do you think that Biden would be worth more than Shrek?

"I meant questions about the job."

[eric curtin @dubstep4dads]

me: its 2017 🙌👌 no new friends 😤😌 im tired of all the fakes 👿✊
gerbil wearing a tophat: hey
me: ok maybe just one new friend