Anthony Swanson

I live life by trial and error.

I try lots of stuff and then notice all the errors.

[corey. @awkwardphaser]

She was a fax machine, she kept her roller clean, she had the best damn toner that I'd ever seen.

[Mark @NoticablyBacon]

I got called pretty today, actually the full statement was "youre pretty dumb" but im only focusing on positive things today

[The Real Rodney Lacroix @RealRodLacroix]

Tonight's child meltdown brought to you by a restaurant that used real cheese in their mac-n-cheese instead of the powdered stuff.

[🇺🇸Frank Whítehouse 🇺🇸 @WheelTod]

[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean "boundary issues?"
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don't you put some clothes on & we'll talk?

[DevilryFun @DevilryFun]

Never had a tweet take off like a racehorse, but I've had plenty go lame.

[mark @TheCatWhisprer]

If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn't wear an oven mitt to bed.

[🎺Binyomin Scheiman 🎺 @BinyominS]

It's quite simple to complicate things

And quite complicated to simplify things

[dead phteven @PhuckinCody]

[spelling committee]

BOB: Okay, we need to spell "llama" next. Pretty straight forward, L-A-M-A. All agree?

LLARY: Hold on a minute,

[Her Tall Boots @fuzzlime]

*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I'm turning into my mother

[🎺Binyomin Scheiman 🎺 @BinyominS]

The long list of how Twitter has improved my life
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[Greg Hogben @MyDaughtersArmy]

If Bill Clinton got an independent investigation over a blowjob, Donald Trump deserves one for screwing the entire country.

#Comey

[RichardNixonLibrary @NixonLibrary]

FUN FACT: President Nixon never fired the Director of the FBI #FBIDirector #notNixonian

[Simon Holland @simoncholland]

Marriage means sometimes you have to apologize for something you did in another person's dream.

[Lęs Trαvσld @LesTravold]

Besides the whole eight legs thing, octopi have beaks as well. Your move, birds/spiders.